7 months ago..........

It's been 7 months since I posted last. Where was I? Well. I was in the midst of finding out I was going right back to Haiti. I mean seriously. I just went the end of May 2012 and I was headed back in Dec 2012. What?! I sat in disbelief for what seemed like forever, then jumped into action to raise the funds. God provided yet again.........I'm so humbled and blessed to be so supported and loved by so many.

So off I went for an amazing week right smack in the middle of the Christmas season. What an incredible blessing to see my Haitian loves so soon, at such a blessed time of year. Oh how I missed my babes. Oh how I miss them so much when we are apart.

I have several stories to share and a few photos to post along the way. :)

Already planning trip #5 BUT should actually take time to blog and share trip #4. It was absolutely fabulous!

Sorting it all out.......

Here I sit......9 days home. 9 days since I have seen those precious faces. 9 days since leaving an amazing and beautiful country that is oozing with God's love. 9 long days. 9 days and I am still sorting it all out.

It's hard.  So hard.  Hard to come home from seeing and hearing and feeling so much heartache and yet so much hope.  Hard to be with such precious children and then just leave them. Hard to hold those sweet faces, praying you will hold them again soon..............but never truly knowing what the future holds for either of us. Praying. Hoping. Sorting........and holding onto every ounce of sanity I can muster so that I am not bawling my eyes out in the middle of Target again.

So I came home.  I sat at the kitchen table with my precious husband.  I started telling him random stories. I bounced from one thought to the next, no real connection between anything I was saying. Bless him.  He sat attentively and hung on every word, every tear, every silent moment as I tried to regain my composure.......and even when I thought I had it, I knew I was still silently breaking inside.  Because this time, God broke me in a new way.  He broke me and He is going to put me back together like nothing I could imagine.  I know this because I have faith. Faith that He has a plan for what He has shown me. A plan for me to be different than my same. Different to change me.

And I have struggled. Mostly silently.  Sometimes I share with my sister how I almost broke down in Publix.  I share with my hubby random thoughts......I usually only go so deep until I get a "what are you talking about?" kind of look and then I bounce back to being funny or witty.  Because I get it.  If you haven't seen it or experienced it you really can't "get it" sometimes.  I mean you can be heartbroken and be sad.....but some things I believe you truly have to experience to really "get it". 

So here I sit. 9 days later. Still struggling to sort it out. And I really need to sort through my 1600 pictures.  There are so many waiting to see the faces of the children they love.......but whenever I open the file, I sob. I sob hard.  I cry because I love them.  I cry because I miss them.  I cry because they have taught me so much and I am forever grateful for all the ways they have inadvertently enriched my life.  I cry because I long to be a different kind of better me, because of them.

So the sorting of it all continues........and I can't help but wonder if I have really just been sorting it all out since I first saw Haiti almost 2 years ago?

sometimes a picture is worth 1,000 words......or to me 1,000 tears

I have this incredible story to tell.  I have wanted to share it on my blog......I have shared it with a few friends face to face.  But I just feel that a picture is worth a 1,000 words and I have been longing to get my hands on these photos and share them and the story........because it is worth a 1,000 tears to me.  I get completely choked up thinking about this moment and remembering my heart ready to explode from my chest and the love I felt and the belonging and the brokenness and this overwhelming sense of peace. 

So last summer on our final day of HBS (Haitian Bible School) we did a craft project with the kids where we did hand prints.  We rolled out sheets of art easel paper and had cups of tempera paint and we let the children put their hand prints on the paper and write their name with colorful sharpies.  It was such a fun and awesome time to watch them get messy in the art and to see all of their hands together.

Needless to say, it was a little chaotic........150 kids to hand print, one table, lots of paint, 100 degrees and trying to stay semi-orderly.  But they nailed it! They are SO awesome when it comes to following directions and taking instructions.  They are eager to be near you and involved and to see what fun is in store.  So we have the table all set up and we are going to town........

There are a couple older guys that are helping to keep the children organized and the flow moving and it's going great.  Then I felt a tug on my hand and when I looked over Saint Fey was painting my hand red.......

I instantly began to swell up inside my heart.......I asked Saint Fey "what are you doing?"  To which he replied "You are one of us." With that, he placed my hand print on the sheet of paper with the hands of so many precious children who I have taken into my heart as MINE and it was confirmed to me that they too had taken ME in as THEIRS.  

It was incredible, amazing and such a humbling moment.  Because while I had already taken them into my heart and my prayers and was broken for them........I never knew how much I wanted and needed to be a part of them.  And I already was, I am......and now I have my hand print amongst theirs as a reminder that we are all ONE with Christ and we will never be truly separated because we will all be together when it's all said and done. 

............in every single detail.

He's there. Always. In every single detail. And maybe I was feeling a little relaxed. Maybe I wasn't as guarded about this 3rd trip. Maybe I was too comfortable resting IN Him, that I was on auto-pilot. Maybe He just wanted to remind me that HE is still here and in control even when (especially when) I don't feel "out of control". Because the reality is that I have fully trusted Him this time with much more grace and ease than the previous trips. So maybe He just felt the need to snap His fingers at me. And boy did He.........
The first sigh moment was that ordered this shirt to support an adoption.......



It has Micah 6:8 on the back:

But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do,
what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously—take God seriously.

At our final team meeting two nights ago, Derek handed out our mission devotional/journals. On the back is printed Micah 6:8. Derek said this is our verse for the week. Yeah. Yeah I'm listening God.

Then at our weekly trip to Goodwill (we are building our homeschool library for pennies!) I found an amazing little book about the people who helped line it all up I'm the beginning. The story that eventually has my church building an orphanage in Haiti and me traveling there for the 3rd time. Seriously??!! For 50¢ God had something to tell me in the Goodwill.

Yup. Every single teeny tiny detail.

Prayer.

Prayer. I pray. But not like God longs for me to.......not like my heart screams I need to. But I pray. I pray in the really tough moments, usually something sweet and to the point about giving it to God and that I trust Him and to ask him for guidance. I pray when I see a friend in need or with a prayer request on FB. It's usually a short silent to myself prayer, but I pray. If I tell someone that I prayed for them, I really did. I pray but being extremely open and honest........I'm more of a short order cook kind of praying girl. Not a long deep meaningful heartfelt conversation with God kind of faithful praying person. You following me? And I'm so convicted about it. It kicks my tail daily that I am short changing this prayer life that God calls me to have with Him, these deep heart to hearts that I NEED to have with Him. And I've been struggling with it awhile. I'm never the one to pray out loud in a group or to close a meeting in prayer. And you'd think for an extrovert like me that I would be happy to do so.......nope. Nerves take over, feelings of inadequacy and shame take over. It's horrible. Then I feel guilt for not doing what my heart tells me to do and for not investing so much more into my prayer life............and God knows and sees. Yes. Yes He does. Because the week we are in Haiti, we will be having VBS with the children. The lesson plans are already being out together and written out for us as our guide for the week. Can you guess what we will be talking about and sharing with these precious children???? Uh huh. We are going to be talking about PRAYER! Yes. That's right. God is taking me all the way to Haiti to smack me in the face and break my heart in the middle of my beloved place to get my attention on PRAYER! I am now praying for an awakening. For my heart to be open and ready and willing to SEE and HEAR and DO all that's about to come about with regards to PRAYER!!!!
I know that I am learning. I know that I am falling on my face daily. I know that God is still doing a work on me daily and I praise Him for His grace when I am so undeserving. But He is already showing me that He has big things planned for this journey........bigger t than I could plan for myself. How amazing to see Him in all the details and to really see Him (in my opinion) calling me out on my weak prayer life!!!

Who really reads this anyway?

I haven't blogged in quite sometime. Mainly because......who really even reads it? I mean I may copy the link to my Facebook page and a handful will take the time.....but really why am I blogging? What is the purpose? Is it having any impact? Does it make a difference? Is it thought provoking? Seriously. If I am to ask people to take the time to read it........then shouldn't it be profound? Ahhhhh. The pressure I inflict on myself daily. So I allow my worries and debating to debilitate me into submission of non-blogging.

So here I am. Ready for my 3rd trip back to my second home......and yes it feels like home. Isn't "home is where the heart is" an old school but real statement? Well. Haiti has a chunk of my heart and my kiddos there have a chunk of it too!!! I sure do love my Haitian angels. I cannot wait to be back with them........singing and playing and hugging and laughing and hugging and celebrating Jesus together. Such an amazing expression of Gods unequivocal love for us.......because those children are not hiding their love or their desperate need for it. I mean they have the love of our Father but they yearn for the love of a family of a mother or father or just to be important to someone, anyone. And oh my oh my are some of them especially important to me!! I have a running list in my head of who I have to locate and love on and kiss on when I arrive there in just 25 days!!!! First.......my Sophia. That girl has my heart in a way that makes me believe that she was meant to be my daughter......and I'm to love and pray for her and do all I can for her as her maman (mother). And Eidson. Oh my sweet no pants wearing hip hugging big cheese grinning Eidson. He was the first one to catch my eye almost 2 years ago. He was half naked, fighting off scabies, not a happy little man, throwing fits and peeing on you if you allowed him into your lap........yup, this was the first one to capture my heart. We meshed well, maybe something to do with the attitude. Maybe. Flash forward a year and wow what a difference 11 months makes. He was grinning and happy, he still pee'd on me but I was glad. It's almost like marking his territory and he was claiming me yet again. And then Midarly. Ah. She was none too happy our first week together. Quiet, shy, sad, quiet very quiet.......but she climbed on for dear life and didn't want to let go. Then last year------what a beautiful change!!! She was happy and laughing and dancing and spunky, still quiet but my little petunia had bloomed!!! And Sania. Sania. Sania. I cannot wait to hear her yelling PamEEEla! That girl has personality that the Kardashians couldn't compete with, she is a firecracker that pops and booms regularly------and there's guaranteed joy when she does. She warms my heart in her own special way! And then I can't forget my boyfriend Wiligens, always happy to shyly steal a kiss on the cheek but always being the quiet one.........just pleased to be near by and always happy to hold hands. And Vesne and Saint Fey and Beatrice and Merlin and so so many others!

And even though they don't know I'm coming.......I know I won't be disappointed when I get there. It'll be like a walking surprise party when I get off the bus.......they are delighted to have our groups come in and spend time with them and love on them but something magical happens when there are repeat visitors.......they know the love must brew real, like really real because you came back. You found them worthy of another week of your time......you cared enough to make the trip and get back to them, even if for a short time. They know and they understand and it matters to them.......because they SEE AND FEEL that they matter to us!!!

So I'm going back. 3 rd trip. Completely paid for (yet again) with the generosity of others and from my donations from family sessions. I have been blessed more than my share by making 2 trips and now preparing for the 3rd. I am so so grateful that God has a way to use me in Haiti and that I get to open my heart for these sweet precious kiddies. I don't feel worthy of such an amazing experience.......the most amazing journey He has had me on for sure.

So I'm going. My mom is going back to. Praying I will blog more and share more. I just never feel I have the right words to say what is all a jumbled emotional mess in my heart when I think to Haiti. But I really should share because sharing is caring and Haiti is way to amazing to keep to myself.

<3

......so much to tell.

There's so much to tell and share and well........life gets busy and before you know it, it's been weeks and I haven't told or shared anything. And there is SO much that I want to tell.......I just haven't made the time. Maybe because I'm scared it will come out wrong? Maybe because it is still so emotional to "go back" and "be there"........but I really must press on and just tell it like it is to me.
So I'm starting here with Sophia.
I wrote about Sophia before, my sweet sweet Sophia.
The precious teen who wrote me a letter last summer saying good-bye and called me her momma.
The one who has never left my heart since making her mark on it last summer.
This one........


Sophia.........ah, I love this girl! Over the 10 months that we were apart, we were able to exchange a few letters and I was able to send her pictures and a small gift bag of goodies. We kept in touch as best as it was possible to do so with no postal system, internet or phones. I really just wanted her to know that she is always on my heart and mind and in my prayers. And while I always think of her......I didn't know what to really expect in getting back to see her. I mean really......would she remember me? would she be as excited to see me as I would be to see her? I honestly went with no expectations, none. I didn't want to be disappointed and I surely didn't want to put any pressure on the moment. So when we arrived at the orphanage that Saturday......I was "playing it cool" on the outside but aching to run her down and squeeze her on the inside. And no sooner than I got off the bus--------GOD BLEW ME AWAY!!!

I was approached by kids that I didn't recognize, one's that KNEW my name! And they are all saying 'Pam-E-la".......over and over. And they are pulling at my arm and pointing towards the homes and saying "Sophia, Sophia" and I soon realized that they were making a connection between me and her! And they KNEW who I was! And they were insistent that I was going to the house to see Sophia. And as I started to cross the bridge over, I saw her......coming towards me with one shoe on and one shoe in her hand......and we met in the middle of this bridge!

And she hugged and squeezed me and I was tearing up and she would pull back and look at me and then hug me again.....it was wonderful!!! I don't think Paramount Pictures would've written a more beautiful moment for this! And other children are by us and they are pointing at me and then pointing to Sophia and saying "Manman" (means Mother) and pointing to their hearts........and I was crying now and saying "Yes, manman". And now they aren't only talking about me being Sophia's momma but I think they were talking about me being there momma. And I honestly was overwhelmed at how much I wanted to just load them all up in the bus and bring them home with me and be their momma. It was overwhelming and beautiful and was more of a moment than I could have even imagined myself.
The next 6 days with her were amazing and it was so hard to leave her again.......but I hope and pray that I will touch that sweet face again!! I've been gone for almost 2 months.....but we've already managed to swap letters (and I sent photos) and I can't wait to see what she has to say!

Sophia will never know how she has changed me..........but I pray she knows how much I love her!

the beginning is always a good place.......

But I am not sure where to begin......

I have visited my blog several times over the last 20 days. I have logged on, stared at the screen and typed nothing. I have cried and prayed and prayed and cried. I have come to realize that I have so much to say......that I don't know where to start. I don't want to overwhelm my posting with too much.......or short change it by not saying as much as my heart is screaming to let out. It becomes overwhelming and then I shut down and shut down the computer. But my heart has so much to get out........so this is where I will start, today!

First, let me say that I was so not ready (yet again) for all that God had laid out for this journey. Not just this trip down but the whole thing starting way back at the beginning. I fell in love with Haiti by catching a bit of the passion oozing from my sweet friend Kelly. She was so in love with the people of Haiti and had such an intense heart for them, that I knew this was a place I had to go see myself. I told her I would go with her on a trip..........but not long after that conversation I learned that our church was partnering with Global Orphan Project to build an orphan village in Haiti! How amazing is God's timing, right??!!! So I decided I would wait and go with a group from Long Hollow. 6 months after Long Hollow started the plans and set this undertaking in motion......an earthquake hit in Port-au-Prince and shook an already impoverished country to it's core. I remember the moment I saw it on the news that morning I was in tears, I felt this crazy intensity to go help.......my heart was literally breaking for the people of this country. And the sweet babies who had been orphaned because of it, as if there wasn't already enough beautiful angels in need of a place to call home. So I prayed and I prayed and I prayed....and in July 2010 (6 months after the earthquake) I was SO blessed to put my feet on Haiti soil and Haiti FOREVER in my heart!!!!

There is nothing that can ever compare to what I saw the first time I landed in Haiti and I could never imagine that I was about to be blessed by those gorgeous faces in ways I hadn't fathomed. But God showed up in huge leaps and bounds and rocked my socks OFF!!! He shook me to the core, turned my heart upside down and said PAMELA, YOU'LL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. And I heard Him and He was so right! From the moment I left------I was instantly aching to be back! Those sweet children have my heart in a way I didn't know existed.

Blessed am I that my precious husband gave me his blessing to make a return trip 10 months after the first one. It takes so much for him to let me go.........he is self employed and I am a stay at home mom. He doesn't get or take vacation time and for him to have to get help from anyone but me for anything for the 8 days I would be gone...........well, some guys just don't like asking for help. But he said that he couldn't stand in the way of what me and God had going on. I love him!!!

So I went. And I don't know what I was expecting to become of this trip........but whatever it was, God blew it away time and time again!!! He pushed me in ways I didn't know I needed to be pushed, but sure glad He knew I needed it! He showed me things I could have never thought to ask to see. He fueled the flame in my heart for these amazing orphans and he left it blazing bigger than ever! I have so many stories to share......so many deep thoughts to "put into words" and photos galore. Every time I thought I "have it ready"......I realize that I am still processing it all. But I am going to get it out.....because God definitely didn't intend to give me this gift and then to hide it away. They are too sweet to be kept selfishly and not shared with other hearts!

So while I am processing........I pray and I have faith God will give me the right words at the right time. So until then............

Here is my single favorite photo from this trip.........probably my favorite photo I have EVER taken! EVER!!

17 days and counting......

Only 17 more days to go......and we'll be Haiti bound! A hundred thoughts have raced through my mind these last couple months......and a hundred times, I sat down to blog. Believe it or not, I couldn't find the words. I'm so overwhelmed to get back! I didn't realized that I could/would be MORE excited the second time than I was the first time!!! It's incredible to have this intense desire to want to be back there! I can't explain it.....I've actually had dreams about this upcoming trip. Some were good, some were not so good. But I do know that my mind is racing and my heart is pounding and it's time to get back!!

One amazing part of this journey is this time I got to watch my mom be blessed. It was wonderful to see God show up the way He has and how He has had his hand on every tiny detail so far. I have loved every single phone call and text from her sharing good news about a donation or how something just worked out so perfectly. I love watching her the way she watched me leading up to my first trip!! And now.....I get to experience her first trip with her! My mom and I are super close anyhow-----and I have a feeling that God is getting ready to take that to a whole new level we probably can't imagine on our own. I am so pumped!!! I am just giddy at this point!!! :)

On my last trip, I started reading Radical by David Platt. It was an incredible read anyhow, but to be reading it WHERE I was made it even more intense on my heart. There was one thing he said that really hit me as I read it on the plane headed back to Nashville:
“Orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they're not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.”
And he is right!! It all changes! There are sweet faces and names that I can't get out of my mind or off my heart. When my screen saver on my computer is putting on a slide show, I can sit and just get lost in thought remembering my time with such amazing angels of grace!!! I am amazed that God has blessed me yet again to get to go spend time with these precious children......and I am so thrilled at the memories that will be made!!!

My journey to Haiti started in the summer of 2009......and it hasn't stopped yet. It has been an incredible ride and I have loved every single bump bruise and break and praise.......because it has shown, grown and taught me so so much more than I could've ever hoped!

......and away we go.

So.....here I go again. Last night was meeting #1 of our journey BACK to Haiti. It was SO good to see familiar faces and some new ones too. I am already so excited about what God is preparing for our group and how this is all going to play out for His glory. Our group is so diverse and going to be so much fun! It's shaping up to be amazing already!
Of course there's always the $$money$$ factor that can be the most stress.......and of course the cost of the trip has already changed and increased.......and of course that's to be expected. BUT this time, I'm so not worried! God provided a way before and He will not short change me this time either. This time around I am eager to WATCH how He shows Himself and paves the path so smoothly..........

My last journey to Haiti.......I was very moved by the song "God of this City" by Chris Tomlin. The lyrics just spoke to my heart about the country and it's distress since the earthquake and how clearly God has greater plans for the people of Haiti. BUT this time it has a different feel. This time I am emotionally attached to these children. I have met them already. I know so many by name and have touched their sweet faces and loved on them......this time, it's personal. This time I will look eagerly through the crowd to find my sweet Sophia and race to her! This time, it will be familiar and I will feel back at home. This time, it means more......because this time I've ached to be there. I have prayed for these children by name and I dream of their faces and I long to hold them again. This time......it feels different. And I can't wait.
So last night.....listening to my current favorite CD......Christy Nockles "Life Light Up". The very last song on that CD is "By Our Love". It really shakes me to the core every time......it just simply speaks volumes of the hows/whys I feel so drawn to go back and to continue going back......
I was moved even more when I was searching for a link to the song to post on here. I came across Christy Nockle's "why" of writing the song.....and then I really understood WHY this song gets me the way it does. Because like Christy.....I want my children to "get it". I want them to see with their own eyes what we do out of our over pour of love for Christ. I want them to see that as Christians we are to love everyone---even those half way around the world. I want them to know that God will always be there for us when we are faithful---that going to the hard places is what we do.....it's part of our walk with Him. I desire it to be their desire to live such a life as well. Here's what Christy said about writing this song.......


********Songwriting is such an amazing process to me... Long before there were lyrics or even a melody for this song, I knew it would be on my record. My husband Nathan and I would talk about songs during the writing process and I'd say, "remember there will be a song called "By Our Love". I had one tiny melodic idea for it, but that was it really... This song really took shape the morning after a very special gathering with our new church family in Atlanta. It was one of those sweet times together in God's presence that I will never forget. Our two oldest children were a part of that gathering, and even though their eyes could barely stay open towards the end of our worship time that night, my prayer was that they'd somehow sense and grasp the presence of God in that place and remember it. I realized more than ever that night that I want my children to "get it." I want them to understand that you can't have worship without love and justice. Our songs must have hands and feet, and they must go into the darkest places of the world. The distractions that our children are exposed to in this country and their desensitized minds and hearts became like a heavy brick on my heart. My prayer is that God will allow my children to see with His eyes and love with His hands in their lifetime...that they might "stand firm in the truth and set their hearts above". How can we show them most effectively that it's "by our love" that we are set apart and "by our love" that we show Jesus to the world. I can recall some amazing moments from my childhood that my parents faithfully exposed me to worship, and also lived lives of love to those around us. I have vivid memories of my mom, in particular, involving me in random acts of kindness. I have an early memory of her driving me to the home of a little girl from our church, who had no mother, and a father who could barely care for her. She took down the little girl's measurements that day and in the following weeks, made her a beautiful Easter dress. My mom was also the one who sat with me for hours at the piano, teaching me worship songs and how to sing harmonies. My mother understood worship and justice, and because she involved me, I remember and I understand...I've always been intrigued by Ephesians 5:19, it says, "Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs." There is an exhortation that songs can carry with them, and I believe even modern worship songs can have that feel and purpose, as many of the old hymns did. My prayer is that this song might be a song we sing to each other when it's appropriate...a reminder and a "calling forth" of those whom we walk life with, whom we parent and lead...to live lives of deep love for Jesus' sake. ********


TO LIVE LIVES OF DEEP LOVE FOR JESUS' SAKE!!! ..........................amen!

GOING BACK!!!

Yeah!!! My darling dear hubby has given me his blessing------I am GOING BACK to Haiti!!! I cannot wait! I am overjoyed and SO excited to get back there and back to those precious babies, especially my sweet Sophia!

The BESTEST part (yes, I said bestest!) is that my mom is coming with me!!!! I cannot believe that she is finally saying YES but she is and she's COMING TOO!!!! This is going to be an incredible journey to share with her and I cannot wait to see ALL that God is going to show us and all the ways we are going to GROW together in our walk!

Now, there's so much to do!!! Money to raise for BOTH of us! Mom has to get all her shots, she has no passport----she has to get a copy of her birth certificate first. We leave in 15 weeks and 2 days!!! That is basically around the corner!! Ahhhhh!

And yes......I am excited. I know you can tell by the million (okay not that many, but I would if I had time!) exclamation points I have used!!!! So we leave the end of May and here we go..............

another orphan adopted into his forever home......

Tonight I was blessed to go to the airport to celebrate with many great friends. We all rejoiced together as our precious friends made their way from the plane into a new life with a new son. A precious God given son from Ethiopia. A miracle. A long hard journey----ending with rejoicing! Rejoicing in the Lord and his unending faithfulness. Praises!

While at the airport, I was in the company of several others in the process of adoption........one who already got her Ethiopian princess a couple months ago, one on the waiting list for a little boy and a couple who are waiting on siblings from Ethiopia. Also......a dear friend who welcomed home her Ethiopian prince a year ago.....AND a lady (whom I'd never met) with a Guatemalan princess. I MUST say it------total adoption ENVY! Yup, I am envious. Yup, I know I am not supposed to be jealous or covet......but I do and I KNOW I do?! I get it----we all have different seasons and this is simply "not my time"........I pray daily to "really get it" and to "really let go" that while God has set me on fire, it's simply just my time to love on my friends and to celebrate in their journey's along side them.

Again......I will say it. I pray daily about letting my husband lead our house, about following his lead, about letting him drive this train.........I am a strong willed person, so it's hard. And I know it's yet another way God is working to humble me. I am okay with that (most days). With my husband leading the way, I find that we are in different places, in different areas......that's okay because I know God grows us all at different rates, speeds and with different destinations. And that God has a plan for me and Tony----He did bring us right together at just the right time. BUT what I also believe is God wouldn't just break my heart and then abandon me in my willingness to go to the hard places. Or do I just "think" I am willing? Does God know differently? Does God see something in my heart that I am not aware exists?

So I pray: God please show me where You want me to be. God please guide me to what I need to be doing. God, I know you wouldn't break me and then leave me to suffer in the tears alone. I know you are with me.......but what is it all for? What is this fire you are burning in my heart?

So I love my friends who are following in God's word and adopting. I love that they are so faithful and fearless.......jumping straight into what God desires for us to do for the least of them. Amazing hearts, amazing strength, awe inspiring stories!! I love them all and I love God for placing them in my life and heart. I know God has a purpose in all of this.......just curious to see the "what's and why's"-------when He is ready to share with me. Because it is HIS story after all.

New Year's Resolutions......Goals

Resolutions?! Every year it seems resolutions get made and broken.........I am notorious for making a list of "goals" for the year and well, life just seems to creep in and take over. It's always the same. Plus is the cold bleak winter really the best time to make any resolution that doesn't involve eating junk food, sleeping in late and veggie out for movie marathons?? Cause if those were my new years resolutions......I would be able to hold to them tightly until at least March or April. :)

But this year......I did it again. I made a list of resolutions and goals for the new year upon us. Just wanted to share with others so maybe I have more accountability? Eh, who knows....I may end up on the "couldn't keep my resolutions train"......we'll see. So here's my current goals for the new year:

Read through the bible chronologically-----cover to cover!
Reading through a children's chronological bible with Maekayla!
Run in a half marathon in April!
Lose the 10 lbs I gained so far this cold season----PLUS another 30!
Get back to my crafting----I miss my creative outlet and the stress relief it is to me!
Be a better mommy and spend more quality time with my kiddies...be intentional!
Be a better wife and keep praying for God to keep teaching me to let my husband LEAD!!
Get back to Haiti at least once----praying for my hubby to GO with me??!!
Finally get my house unclutter and decorated and that includes hanging some pictures on the walls.

Yeah.....so these are just to start and we'll see what is success and where I fall short. But I know that with God anything is possible. He knows the desires of our hearts......I am praying that with God I can accomplish all these and anything else that falls on my heart!! We shall see!!!

Happy New Year to you all!!! Love!!!!

It's been 3 months........

SO, it's been 3 months since I have "blogged". I have started and stopped myself MaNy times! I just start off with thoughts......go off on a tangent and then feel like "well, it's just too much to say all at once." But I have learned something these last few months------THAT is who I am. I have a whole bunch to say, several ways to say it and frankly I must start saying it. I have decided that NOT all will love what I say......I have concluded that SOME will not finish reading it.......BUT I am satisfied knowing that one may read and agree with me and I am fine with that. :0) Praying it's actually more than one that feel the same as I-----But I have to start somewhere, right?!

So let's start with today's thought! Today at church, they showed my testimony video. It was AmAzInG!! Jason D did an incredible job with the entire thing! Totally creative and insightful and just WOW! So here's a link to it and then I will continue on about the whole experience of it all......

http://vimeo.com/16623626

So when I got the email requesting for me to come in and "testify".....I must admit I um, tossed a tad bit of cookies. I was totally freaking out!! I mean really? You want me to tell my story of my journey to Haiti?! The time in my life when I really SAW God in ways I had NeVeR seen HIM before!!! Am I gonna cry? (yes) Will I stutter? (probably) Will I say a bunch of junk nobody care to hear about? (likely) BUT will I, can I bring glory to His name? Can I testify and show people how Haiti has changed me forever? Can I put into words the incredible difference He made in all of this? How about how the "past Pamela" would NEVER have done this and now that me and God have this intense relationship----I wanna go to the hard places for HIM!! Can I do that? Can I verbalize all of it? I decided He was giving me an opportunity to do so..........maybe someone is teetering on wether to go to Haiti or not----and my video say to them "GO"?! Maybe ONE person will see God working.....and then it's worth it, just one--right?!

So I did it! I cried almost the whole time they filmed and honestly don't remember all that I said. Then I waited. I waited to see it during service, to see it while sitting with my family, to see it in it's "element". I waited ever so patiently (most days) for what seemed like forever. Then Jason D sent me a copy of it to see a few days early........and so I put the kiddo's down for naps and I put it on. I watched it 8 times in a row! I cried harder and harder every time! I had a total "come to Jesus" moment right in front of my laptop. I was witnessing to myself in a crazy way!! I was watching the change that God promises to those who call on His name.........It was like looking into a mirror and seeing the love of Christ staring right back at me. I am a changed woman! And I SAW it for myself!!

Today, our pastor spoke about giving testimony to people........about how we have a before and after story. And WOW do I have a before story that would knock your socks off! I could go on and on about my before----and trust me, I love to tell it because the AFTER makes it SO precious!!! But today I was blessed to see my AFTER. It was right there on a big screen.....and while holding hands with my husband and my mother-----I was a witness to the change that can ONLY come with a relationship with GOD and it was MY relationship with HIM that I was seeing. And I loved it!!! I LOVE HIM!!!

Thank you dear Lord Jesus for saving me and washing me clean of sin!!! I was headed straight for hell a few years ago......But now my road is narrowing and my love for you is growing and our relationship is deepening and I am COMPELLED BY THE LOVE OF CHRIST!! AMEN!!

Will the tears ever stop......???

I pray the tears NEVER dry out....I pray I never reach a point where I am "all cried out". Until the plight of the orphans in Haiti and all over the world is conquered.....the tears can't dry. A tear will always fall for the one who went to bed hungry last night, the one who sleeps alone in a scary dark place tonight alone, the one who yearns for a hug, the baby who will die tomorrow morning from a preventable/curable disease, the child who was never shown the love of Christ......a tear for the little girl who was sold into sex slavery, the little boy who had to become a man at 10 because his parents both died of AIDS leaving him to care for his 4 younger siblings......a tear for the child scouring the dump for some form of sustenance to get by one more day, the child who is choking down a mud pie to kill the hunger pains, the child who will die alone and in pain and no one will notice, know or care.........I will ALWAYS be in tears for these children.


I realize that I cry at the most inopportune times these days. I thought I had a heart for the orphans and for the nations before. But I thank God every day and night for showing me that I couldn't even imagine or fathom what having a heart for the nations looked and felt like......THANK YOU JESUS FOR FINDING ME WORTHY OF SUCH HEARTBREAK AND PASSION! I would've never been able to comprehend (what I STILL don't comprehend) if He hadn't sent me there to see, smell, touch and hear what the suffering IS. It is real....it is SO real.


"I wanna be your hands and feet. I wanna see the world through your eyes. Ready yourselves. Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night. May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise. Lifting up your name for ALL to hear the sound. We'll sing until the WHOLE WORLD HEARS!!"


I've been reading "RaDicAL" by David Platt. Whew!! Let me just say......it's very intense! It just solidifies my submission to the "never stop crying" part of my journey. I don't want to EVER become desensitized to the suffering in the world. I don't want to EVER forget or be absent from the REAL FACT that there are people EVERYWHERE suffering! I know some think that sounds depressing.....I find it highly motivating! Motivating to BE the CHANGE! To be the DIFFERENCE! To use EVERY single resource, talent and gift that God blessed me with to the fullest extent of my ability to get out there and do SOMETHING!!! I may not be able to do everything BUT I can do something! I can do a whole bunch of somethings! And whenever I think I can't do anything or I'm too tired or just can't give anymore of myself.......I will look at these faces.......faces I touched......necks I hugged......hearts that touched mine......and I will keep on trucking!! Because THEY need us too!!! For the GLORY of GOD, they need me to keep going! They need me to keep talking and sharing and doing and collecting and telling and showing and being.....ALL ABOUT GOD FOR THEM!

My Sophia......

My Sophia, my Sophia. What a beautiful young lady of God, my Sophia. Many people wondered (and some asked) what kind of difference can you really make in just a week? Better yet, what difference can you make in these kids lives in just a few hours a day for a week? What kind of difference can be made in less than a 40 hour work week? Can a difference be made in less than 40 hours? Especially when you don't speak the same language? How about when you honestly know nothing about each other, except that you share a love for God? If you want to know what kind of difference can be made in less than 40 hours, over a 6 day week, with minimal words exchanged.......just ask Sophia.

Meet Sophia. The sweetest smile, the prettiest eyes. A young woman who is 15 and doesn't remember when/how she came to be an orphan. Sophia is blessed to have her brother with her at the orphanage, so she is not completely "alone". Sophia grabbed hold of me the very first day at Jeremie. And I do literally mean "grabbed hold". The children were told to go find a buddy to hang out with......and Sophia chose me. She held onto my waist so tightly that I stumbled a few times as we walked over to the church. We exchanged names and smiles, and oober amounts of love. Sophia was all smiles the first day.......but not so much on Sunday or Monday. On Monday after several attempts at getting her to smile, I grabbed one of the interpreters. And we had a short conversation........I asked her to smile. She just looked down and said "No." The interpreter asked if she didn't like me......she responded that she did very much. I told her "I love you. When I go home, I am going to hang your picture in my house. You will be forever a part of my family and we will pray for you everyday." To this......Sophia smiled and cried. And you know I was crying too. Sophia smiled.......a beautiful smile!!

The next 2 days, Sophia and me danced and played and blew bubbles and sang songs and we laughed. Still not exactly sure what we laughed at......we couldn't really talk. We just literally enjoyed each others company, enjoyed doing crafts together and shared a real agape love. It was wonderful and powerful to experience. I was so sad on Thursday, knowing that would be our last visit together. When we arrived at the orphanage, many of the children were sad and you could feel it in the air. That this was our last day on this trip.......and they knew it as much as we did. Sophia was very clingy on the last day. She didn't smile much but she loved catching my eyes in a gaze and looking deep inside. It was almost as if she was trying to peek inside and see who I am. Because really.......what did Sophia know about me?

Well, Sophia knows that I have a husband and two children. She had seen a picture of them and of my mom and sister. She knew that I loved to sing and dance. She knew that I loved to laugh and play. She knew that I am NOT good at jumping rope and that I sweat much. (She was always wiping my sweat off my brow.) And Sophia knew that I loved God enough to leave my home and come spend time with her. And that was ALL Sophia needed to know......to love me as much as she does.

If anyone ever doubts the ability to move hearts in less than 40 hours over 6 days......I'd say talk to Sophia. Ask her if my time was well served. Ask Sophia if that 40 hours made a difference in her heart and mind. And since you can't really ask Sophia........I'll let Sophia's letter do the talking for her. This letter was given to me just before I left the orphanage on the last day. Sophia had sat down with one of the translators and had him write it for me. It speaks volumes on what kind of difference IS made when we OBEY God's will.......nothing is little when God is in it.

""I'm so glad because you were spent a week with me. So, now you're ready to go back in United States, then...I'm very sorry because you will leave me alone. I'm thinking with you so much. Don't forget me and our relationship in Haiti. So, every times I need to be graceful of you, for what you have done for me. you gave to me sandal, clothes, thank you for this. I'm telling you truly, tear drops will never dry in my eyes cause of you. I love you as you love me. Then I love you more, because you're my mother forever. May God be with you and protect you in your trip, because it is still dangerous. Be careful my love! I'm sending a special greeting to your family. And tell them you have a friend in Haiti who never give you up. She's Sophia. I hope you'll be back very soon. I hopefully really on you Pam. Because I love you and I see you love me too.""

Sophia, thank you for all that you allowed God to show through you. Not just to me, but to so many others who will read your sweet words! Pamela remen ou Sophia!

A month since my last post.....so much to share!

Wow! I don't even know where/how to begin! Since my last post, my life has been turned upside down and inside out. And can I say "Wow!! It feels good!". I love it! I love what God is doing! I love what God has planned for me! I love this crazy journey God called me to go on and the adventure it still IS!

I have been back from Haiti for 17 days. And it feels like an eternity. It has dragged on and on, because I am ready to go back. I was ready to go back the minute I boarded the plane in Port Au Prince headed back to Florida. I was already praying and begging God to show me another path back to Haiti! Back to the sweet souls that stole my heart forever! Back to the place that shows so much promise of LIGHT in the midst of so much seen DARKNESS. Haiti is a beautiful country, with beautiful people that have beautiful hearts......and beautiful CHILDREN OF GOD!!! I thought I was slightly passionate about Haiti before going......I thought I loved orphans and expressed a love for them before going......I thought I would enjoy my mission trip and that it would be a great experience. APPARENTLY, I didn't give God enough credit for what He was about to do. I knew I'd be forever changed.....but WHOA!!! Total change overload for this momma!!!

"Sometimes God demands radical measures when He wants to bring about radical results. I may look silly, but I'm a walking miracle experiencing the power of God."----Beth Moore

Meet Edison. The first orphan to steal my heart in Jeremie......

When we arrived at the orphanage, the children were all gathered on the porch of one of the duplexes singing. They sang beautiful songs in Haitian Creole, they prayed over us in Creole, then they recited ALL of Psalm 91 in Haitian Creole--together, out loud. It was powerful! The whole time this was going on....I couldn't take my eyes off of this precious little man. He wasn't wearing any pants, his head had scabs from where he had scratched himself raw (scabies outbreak) and his little face was dirty......melted my heart!! In that moment I experienced real AGAPE love!! I didn't care if he got me dirty, I didn't care if he gave me scabies, I didn't care if he pee'd on me.....I only cared about scooping him up and loving on him the same way I love on my children. Because HE is God's son! He is God's chosen child! He deserves nothing less than the BEST I have to give to him in the time I am there to be with him......because GOD gave us HIS BEST!! He gave us His ONLY SON! So who was I to deny this precious soul my love and attention because of some bugs, dirt and urine. I couldn't and wouldn't and he was worth it all!!!!

And Edison.....needed to be loved on. There was such a "need" in his eyes for that touch of love. A need to be held and paid attention to.......to know that he could be loved. Edison didn't seem to favor anyone of us more than another that I could see. I did see that wherever there was an empty set of arms available to hold him.......there he was too! Many times I looked down feeling a tug on my skirt.....and this was the face I would see.

Sweet Sweet Edison. Needing to be held and loved and cared about. Sweet Edison doesn't know it but he touched many hearts while we were there visiting. He definitely touched mine. I pray for this precious baby every day....I pray that he will feel love every day, that he will he held and kissed every day.....and that one day God will find him a forever family to love him always. But I know that I will always love him myself.....because he showed me more than he'll ever understand. And for that.....I will always be grateful.

I love you sweet Edison. God bless you baby boy.

5 more days.....

Haiti Countdown: 5 days

In my Mission Journal tonight, it had a very inspiring verse from Genesis. And it was in the translation from The Message, which I love!

God told Abram: "Leave your country, your family, and your father's home for a land that I will show you. I'll make you a great nation and bless you. I'll make you famous; you'll be a blessing. I'll bless those who bless you; those who curse you I will curse. All the families of the Earth will be blessed through you."

Amazing to read that and to pray over it!! And then it went on to Luke 6:8 and says "Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back---given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity."

I love how it says "Give away your life". Give it away. God gave us so much!! He gave us His ONLY son!!! What do we give Him in return?? What do we do to show him our gratitude and thanks for such a sacrifice? We need to bless and be blessed....because God blessed us and He is blessed.

Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your name!!!

9 more days.......

I can count on my fingers how many days until THE day!!! THE DAY that it will ALL change! All of our lives will forever be changed......I believe that with all my heart. God is going to be working in all of us! I already see Him working in Maekayla with each day that passes. Her questions about my shots and what all I need to pack. And I love that everytime we see a map, she wants to know if it has where she can see where we are now and where I am going in Haiti. She is clued in and on track with it all. I just pray that there are no tears at the airport.....but really?? Who am I kidding. We will probably all cry like babies. I am so crazy in love with all 3 of them and it's going to be hard being away from them for so long. But I know that it's all part of God's plan......otherwise it would have been a family trip. Instead, momma is leaving out on a plane and daddy has to be the boss for awhile.

So learned some new things about our trip tonight. One is that the guest house at the orphanage isn't done, SO we will be staying at a hotel in Jeremie. We also will stay in a hotel in Port Au Prince on the final night there. Some details of the trip are already unimaginable to comprehend simply based on what we live day to day. For example, the kids tend to take the crayons and such and bury them. They are treasures to them......so they hoard them in fear of losing them and bury or hide them. BREAKS MY HEART!!! Also, I alreay figured we'd take suckers to the kids but turns out they LOVE stickers!!! They say we can't take enough stickers!!! I love this! I'm so overwhelmed with knowing that it's coming, it's here, it's TIME!!! It's almost HAITI DAY!!! There honestly aren't words. I keep trying to think how to explain the excitement and the nervousness and the thrill and the joy and the heartbreak.......but I don't want to ruin it with words. Words just won't do it justice......not a moment like this!

Please be in prayer for the entire group as we are listening to God's call by going. By going to a place where Black Magic and Voo-Doo are prominent. By going to a place with such poverty and famine. By going to a place with disease and sickness. By leaving our families behind and trusting in God. Pray for what God will use us for.....for where God will have us deliver the good news.......for what has already been layed out by Christ to do a work in this place!!!

Did I say I was EXCITED!!!!

Light Up The World

Our eyes WILL see the GLORY of GOD!!! Light up the world with YOUR love Father!! Rain down on us like a flood!! I believe! I believe! I believe!!!! Send your GLORY!!!