It's been 3 months........

SO, it's been 3 months since I have "blogged". I have started and stopped myself MaNy times! I just start off with thoughts......go off on a tangent and then feel like "well, it's just too much to say all at once." But I have learned something these last few months------THAT is who I am. I have a whole bunch to say, several ways to say it and frankly I must start saying it. I have decided that NOT all will love what I say......I have concluded that SOME will not finish reading it.......BUT I am satisfied knowing that one may read and agree with me and I am fine with that. :0) Praying it's actually more than one that feel the same as I-----But I have to start somewhere, right?!

So let's start with today's thought! Today at church, they showed my testimony video. It was AmAzInG!! Jason D did an incredible job with the entire thing! Totally creative and insightful and just WOW! So here's a link to it and then I will continue on about the whole experience of it all......

http://vimeo.com/16623626

So when I got the email requesting for me to come in and "testify".....I must admit I um, tossed a tad bit of cookies. I was totally freaking out!! I mean really? You want me to tell my story of my journey to Haiti?! The time in my life when I really SAW God in ways I had NeVeR seen HIM before!!! Am I gonna cry? (yes) Will I stutter? (probably) Will I say a bunch of junk nobody care to hear about? (likely) BUT will I, can I bring glory to His name? Can I testify and show people how Haiti has changed me forever? Can I put into words the incredible difference He made in all of this? How about how the "past Pamela" would NEVER have done this and now that me and God have this intense relationship----I wanna go to the hard places for HIM!! Can I do that? Can I verbalize all of it? I decided He was giving me an opportunity to do so..........maybe someone is teetering on wether to go to Haiti or not----and my video say to them "GO"?! Maybe ONE person will see God working.....and then it's worth it, just one--right?!

So I did it! I cried almost the whole time they filmed and honestly don't remember all that I said. Then I waited. I waited to see it during service, to see it while sitting with my family, to see it in it's "element". I waited ever so patiently (most days) for what seemed like forever. Then Jason D sent me a copy of it to see a few days early........and so I put the kiddo's down for naps and I put it on. I watched it 8 times in a row! I cried harder and harder every time! I had a total "come to Jesus" moment right in front of my laptop. I was witnessing to myself in a crazy way!! I was watching the change that God promises to those who call on His name.........It was like looking into a mirror and seeing the love of Christ staring right back at me. I am a changed woman! And I SAW it for myself!!

Today, our pastor spoke about giving testimony to people........about how we have a before and after story. And WOW do I have a before story that would knock your socks off! I could go on and on about my before----and trust me, I love to tell it because the AFTER makes it SO precious!!! But today I was blessed to see my AFTER. It was right there on a big screen.....and while holding hands with my husband and my mother-----I was a witness to the change that can ONLY come with a relationship with GOD and it was MY relationship with HIM that I was seeing. And I loved it!!! I LOVE HIM!!!

Thank you dear Lord Jesus for saving me and washing me clean of sin!!! I was headed straight for hell a few years ago......But now my road is narrowing and my love for you is growing and our relationship is deepening and I am COMPELLED BY THE LOVE OF CHRIST!! AMEN!!

Will the tears ever stop......???

I pray the tears NEVER dry out....I pray I never reach a point where I am "all cried out". Until the plight of the orphans in Haiti and all over the world is conquered.....the tears can't dry. A tear will always fall for the one who went to bed hungry last night, the one who sleeps alone in a scary dark place tonight alone, the one who yearns for a hug, the baby who will die tomorrow morning from a preventable/curable disease, the child who was never shown the love of Christ......a tear for the little girl who was sold into sex slavery, the little boy who had to become a man at 10 because his parents both died of AIDS leaving him to care for his 4 younger siblings......a tear for the child scouring the dump for some form of sustenance to get by one more day, the child who is choking down a mud pie to kill the hunger pains, the child who will die alone and in pain and no one will notice, know or care.........I will ALWAYS be in tears for these children.


I realize that I cry at the most inopportune times these days. I thought I had a heart for the orphans and for the nations before. But I thank God every day and night for showing me that I couldn't even imagine or fathom what having a heart for the nations looked and felt like......THANK YOU JESUS FOR FINDING ME WORTHY OF SUCH HEARTBREAK AND PASSION! I would've never been able to comprehend (what I STILL don't comprehend) if He hadn't sent me there to see, smell, touch and hear what the suffering IS. It is real....it is SO real.


"I wanna be your hands and feet. I wanna see the world through your eyes. Ready yourselves. Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night. May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise. Lifting up your name for ALL to hear the sound. We'll sing until the WHOLE WORLD HEARS!!"


I've been reading "RaDicAL" by David Platt. Whew!! Let me just say......it's very intense! It just solidifies my submission to the "never stop crying" part of my journey. I don't want to EVER become desensitized to the suffering in the world. I don't want to EVER forget or be absent from the REAL FACT that there are people EVERYWHERE suffering! I know some think that sounds depressing.....I find it highly motivating! Motivating to BE the CHANGE! To be the DIFFERENCE! To use EVERY single resource, talent and gift that God blessed me with to the fullest extent of my ability to get out there and do SOMETHING!!! I may not be able to do everything BUT I can do something! I can do a whole bunch of somethings! And whenever I think I can't do anything or I'm too tired or just can't give anymore of myself.......I will look at these faces.......faces I touched......necks I hugged......hearts that touched mine......and I will keep on trucking!! Because THEY need us too!!! For the GLORY of GOD, they need me to keep going! They need me to keep talking and sharing and doing and collecting and telling and showing and being.....ALL ABOUT GOD FOR THEM!

My Sophia......

My Sophia, my Sophia. What a beautiful young lady of God, my Sophia. Many people wondered (and some asked) what kind of difference can you really make in just a week? Better yet, what difference can you make in these kids lives in just a few hours a day for a week? What kind of difference can be made in less than a 40 hour work week? Can a difference be made in less than 40 hours? Especially when you don't speak the same language? How about when you honestly know nothing about each other, except that you share a love for God? If you want to know what kind of difference can be made in less than 40 hours, over a 6 day week, with minimal words exchanged.......just ask Sophia.

Meet Sophia. The sweetest smile, the prettiest eyes. A young woman who is 15 and doesn't remember when/how she came to be an orphan. Sophia is blessed to have her brother with her at the orphanage, so she is not completely "alone". Sophia grabbed hold of me the very first day at Jeremie. And I do literally mean "grabbed hold". The children were told to go find a buddy to hang out with......and Sophia chose me. She held onto my waist so tightly that I stumbled a few times as we walked over to the church. We exchanged names and smiles, and oober amounts of love. Sophia was all smiles the first day.......but not so much on Sunday or Monday. On Monday after several attempts at getting her to smile, I grabbed one of the interpreters. And we had a short conversation........I asked her to smile. She just looked down and said "No." The interpreter asked if she didn't like me......she responded that she did very much. I told her "I love you. When I go home, I am going to hang your picture in my house. You will be forever a part of my family and we will pray for you everyday." To this......Sophia smiled and cried. And you know I was crying too. Sophia smiled.......a beautiful smile!!

The next 2 days, Sophia and me danced and played and blew bubbles and sang songs and we laughed. Still not exactly sure what we laughed at......we couldn't really talk. We just literally enjoyed each others company, enjoyed doing crafts together and shared a real agape love. It was wonderful and powerful to experience. I was so sad on Thursday, knowing that would be our last visit together. When we arrived at the orphanage, many of the children were sad and you could feel it in the air. That this was our last day on this trip.......and they knew it as much as we did. Sophia was very clingy on the last day. She didn't smile much but she loved catching my eyes in a gaze and looking deep inside. It was almost as if she was trying to peek inside and see who I am. Because really.......what did Sophia know about me?

Well, Sophia knows that I have a husband and two children. She had seen a picture of them and of my mom and sister. She knew that I loved to sing and dance. She knew that I loved to laugh and play. She knew that I am NOT good at jumping rope and that I sweat much. (She was always wiping my sweat off my brow.) And Sophia knew that I loved God enough to leave my home and come spend time with her. And that was ALL Sophia needed to know......to love me as much as she does.

If anyone ever doubts the ability to move hearts in less than 40 hours over 6 days......I'd say talk to Sophia. Ask her if my time was well served. Ask Sophia if that 40 hours made a difference in her heart and mind. And since you can't really ask Sophia........I'll let Sophia's letter do the talking for her. This letter was given to me just before I left the orphanage on the last day. Sophia had sat down with one of the translators and had him write it for me. It speaks volumes on what kind of difference IS made when we OBEY God's will.......nothing is little when God is in it.

""I'm so glad because you were spent a week with me. So, now you're ready to go back in United States, then...I'm very sorry because you will leave me alone. I'm thinking with you so much. Don't forget me and our relationship in Haiti. So, every times I need to be graceful of you, for what you have done for me. you gave to me sandal, clothes, thank you for this. I'm telling you truly, tear drops will never dry in my eyes cause of you. I love you as you love me. Then I love you more, because you're my mother forever. May God be with you and protect you in your trip, because it is still dangerous. Be careful my love! I'm sending a special greeting to your family. And tell them you have a friend in Haiti who never give you up. She's Sophia. I hope you'll be back very soon. I hopefully really on you Pam. Because I love you and I see you love me too.""

Sophia, thank you for all that you allowed God to show through you. Not just to me, but to so many others who will read your sweet words! Pamela remen ou Sophia!

A month since my last post.....so much to share!

Wow! I don't even know where/how to begin! Since my last post, my life has been turned upside down and inside out. And can I say "Wow!! It feels good!". I love it! I love what God is doing! I love what God has planned for me! I love this crazy journey God called me to go on and the adventure it still IS!

I have been back from Haiti for 17 days. And it feels like an eternity. It has dragged on and on, because I am ready to go back. I was ready to go back the minute I boarded the plane in Port Au Prince headed back to Florida. I was already praying and begging God to show me another path back to Haiti! Back to the sweet souls that stole my heart forever! Back to the place that shows so much promise of LIGHT in the midst of so much seen DARKNESS. Haiti is a beautiful country, with beautiful people that have beautiful hearts......and beautiful CHILDREN OF GOD!!! I thought I was slightly passionate about Haiti before going......I thought I loved orphans and expressed a love for them before going......I thought I would enjoy my mission trip and that it would be a great experience. APPARENTLY, I didn't give God enough credit for what He was about to do. I knew I'd be forever changed.....but WHOA!!! Total change overload for this momma!!!

"Sometimes God demands radical measures when He wants to bring about radical results. I may look silly, but I'm a walking miracle experiencing the power of God."----Beth Moore

Meet Edison. The first orphan to steal my heart in Jeremie......

When we arrived at the orphanage, the children were all gathered on the porch of one of the duplexes singing. They sang beautiful songs in Haitian Creole, they prayed over us in Creole, then they recited ALL of Psalm 91 in Haitian Creole--together, out loud. It was powerful! The whole time this was going on....I couldn't take my eyes off of this precious little man. He wasn't wearing any pants, his head had scabs from where he had scratched himself raw (scabies outbreak) and his little face was dirty......melted my heart!! In that moment I experienced real AGAPE love!! I didn't care if he got me dirty, I didn't care if he gave me scabies, I didn't care if he pee'd on me.....I only cared about scooping him up and loving on him the same way I love on my children. Because HE is God's son! He is God's chosen child! He deserves nothing less than the BEST I have to give to him in the time I am there to be with him......because GOD gave us HIS BEST!! He gave us His ONLY SON! So who was I to deny this precious soul my love and attention because of some bugs, dirt and urine. I couldn't and wouldn't and he was worth it all!!!!

And Edison.....needed to be loved on. There was such a "need" in his eyes for that touch of love. A need to be held and paid attention to.......to know that he could be loved. Edison didn't seem to favor anyone of us more than another that I could see. I did see that wherever there was an empty set of arms available to hold him.......there he was too! Many times I looked down feeling a tug on my skirt.....and this was the face I would see.

Sweet Sweet Edison. Needing to be held and loved and cared about. Sweet Edison doesn't know it but he touched many hearts while we were there visiting. He definitely touched mine. I pray for this precious baby every day....I pray that he will feel love every day, that he will he held and kissed every day.....and that one day God will find him a forever family to love him always. But I know that I will always love him myself.....because he showed me more than he'll ever understand. And for that.....I will always be grateful.

I love you sweet Edison. God bless you baby boy.

5 more days.....

Haiti Countdown: 5 days

In my Mission Journal tonight, it had a very inspiring verse from Genesis. And it was in the translation from The Message, which I love!

God told Abram: "Leave your country, your family, and your father's home for a land that I will show you. I'll make you a great nation and bless you. I'll make you famous; you'll be a blessing. I'll bless those who bless you; those who curse you I will curse. All the families of the Earth will be blessed through you."

Amazing to read that and to pray over it!! And then it went on to Luke 6:8 and says "Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back---given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity."

I love how it says "Give away your life". Give it away. God gave us so much!! He gave us His ONLY son!!! What do we give Him in return?? What do we do to show him our gratitude and thanks for such a sacrifice? We need to bless and be blessed....because God blessed us and He is blessed.

Blessed be the name of the Lord, blessed be your name!!!

9 more days.......

I can count on my fingers how many days until THE day!!! THE DAY that it will ALL change! All of our lives will forever be changed......I believe that with all my heart. God is going to be working in all of us! I already see Him working in Maekayla with each day that passes. Her questions about my shots and what all I need to pack. And I love that everytime we see a map, she wants to know if it has where she can see where we are now and where I am going in Haiti. She is clued in and on track with it all. I just pray that there are no tears at the airport.....but really?? Who am I kidding. We will probably all cry like babies. I am so crazy in love with all 3 of them and it's going to be hard being away from them for so long. But I know that it's all part of God's plan......otherwise it would have been a family trip. Instead, momma is leaving out on a plane and daddy has to be the boss for awhile.

So learned some new things about our trip tonight. One is that the guest house at the orphanage isn't done, SO we will be staying at a hotel in Jeremie. We also will stay in a hotel in Port Au Prince on the final night there. Some details of the trip are already unimaginable to comprehend simply based on what we live day to day. For example, the kids tend to take the crayons and such and bury them. They are treasures to them......so they hoard them in fear of losing them and bury or hide them. BREAKS MY HEART!!! Also, I alreay figured we'd take suckers to the kids but turns out they LOVE stickers!!! They say we can't take enough stickers!!! I love this! I'm so overwhelmed with knowing that it's coming, it's here, it's TIME!!! It's almost HAITI DAY!!! There honestly aren't words. I keep trying to think how to explain the excitement and the nervousness and the thrill and the joy and the heartbreak.......but I don't want to ruin it with words. Words just won't do it justice......not a moment like this!

Please be in prayer for the entire group as we are listening to God's call by going. By going to a place where Black Magic and Voo-Doo are prominent. By going to a place with such poverty and famine. By going to a place with disease and sickness. By leaving our families behind and trusting in God. Pray for what God will use us for.....for where God will have us deliver the good news.......for what has already been layed out by Christ to do a work in this place!!!

Did I say I was EXCITED!!!!

Light Up The World

Our eyes WILL see the GLORY of GOD!!! Light up the world with YOUR love Father!! Rain down on us like a flood!! I believe! I believe! I believe!!!! Send your GLORY!!!

Putting some things into perspective.....

So, I've really been hung up in my thoughts about how far a $1 goes in some corners of the world. I've been amazed by how much can be done with so little and far that $1 can be stretched. So I wanted to look further into exactly how these small $1 amounts can affect/change life for others. So I started searching and found some interesting things......

Of course I started with Haiti since that is where I will be in 3 weeks if God wills it. So about Haiti:


***The unemployment rate is over 80%.
***More than half of Haitians live on less than $1 a day.
***There are few paved roads, an inadequate supply of potable water, minimal utilities, and depleted forests.
***About 60% of the population lives in abject poverty.
***Less than 20% of Haitians age 15 and over can read and write.
***Fewer than 75% of children attend school.
***40% of the Haitian population does not have access to primary health care.
***One in twenty Haitians is infected with HIV/AIDS.
***Only about 50% has access to clean drinking water.
( go here for more info: http://www.wfp.org/stories/haiti-10-hunger-facts )

Yeah....so I saw on the wfp.org webpage a story about a 9 year old girl who raised money with her friends at school. They collected just over $1,600 and it will provide 6,000 meals. 6,000 meals!!! I have to say it one more time: $1,600 can provide 6,000 meals!! WOW!!! $1,600 to some may seem like a huge amount of money......but is it? What is $1,600 really to us who have so much? It is probably about what I spend each year on cable television service. It's just over $30 per week.....I'm sure I spend $30 per week on frivolous stuff. It is the cost of a week summer vacation for a small family. It is the cost of a nice new flat screen TV. Some blow that kind of money at Christmas time on gifts. $1,600 to us really isn't that much.......BUT if it can provide 6,000 meals, just imagine what kind of impact it could make on a family.

For example, if my family "adopted" a family in Haiti and sent them $100 every few months.....WOW!!! Can you imagine how that could impact their lives and health? We can't.....because $100 isn't really that serious in America. I was helping a friend with her yard sale today and a guy wanted to know if she had change for $100 if he bought something. Right there in his wallet was a $100 bill that could change a families life for months!!! But we are so accustomed to our way of life that we can't, don't, won't see that we can make a huge difference in the world out there! And God calls us to DO IT!!!

Matthew 25:34-40 says this....
""Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' ""

So we are to look after those in need, those less fortunate than us. We have the ability and capability to help.....so what is the hold back?

After this in Matthew it goes on to say: Matthew 25:41-46
'"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'
They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'
He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'
Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.""


It's there in the book of Matthew in black and white......we ARE TO DO FOR THE LEAST OF THESE. SO what are we gonna do??? What can YOU do? What can I do? What can we do together? Where can you plug in and make a difference?? And believe you me, we can ALL make a difference in some way! What are you willing to sacrifice to help?

Please email me or leave a comment if you aren't sure where to start looking to find somewhere to plug in. Pray over it, God will show you where you can begin. I have found so many that I am overwhelmed and need to thin them down to just a few so I can do them fully and give them 100%.

Follow up to previous post......

So about 2 weeks ago I wrote about wasting food which is also a waste of money. I am happy to say that I went to the grocery last week and only spent $60. And it lasted all week, we made it work. And when I went today and came home......the ONLY thing I had to throw out was 2 rotten bananas and some Chinese food. Yeah!! It felt so good to know that spending less created less waste and more resources to put to better use!! It can be done, we just have to want to start making changes and making a difference! !!

My heart is going in so many directions!

So I already feel like I am on an emotional overly loaded roller coaster ride. My heart breaks daily, I get overwhelmed with thoughts and ideas and it's just well....a big pill to swallow some days. But then I am reminded ever so gently by my faithful Father that I feel this way for a reason. That because I care and am aware, I can help make a difference. I can BE the hands and feet of Christ and really answer a calling that I feel in my heart. I'm not sure what the "call" is yet, I am hearing so much all at once. I do know that my heart is so in love with orphans......with the families that give so much of themselves to bring one of these sweet children of God into their homes and lives. I admire the sacrifice and selflessness and energy that go into the entire process. Having a friend who already adopted and having several friends who are currently in the process......it such a beautiful beautiful example of TOTAL faith in God and all that HE PROMISES when we follow HIS word. And His word has been speaking so loudly to me more and more as I constantly keep seeing this verse:

"Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."----James 1:27

So I am 3 short short weeks away from my first one on one encounter with real life orphans. I know that sounds funny to say it that way.....but these aren't orphans in pictures or on TV or on a blog. They will be beautiful breathing children of God right in front of my face. I will be able to actually interact with them and embrace them. They will have faces and names in my heart. We are so desensitized by media, movies, internet......that it tends to lose some of the shock effect when we see things sometimes. I know that I was able to easily change the channel when one of those "Feed the Children" infomercials would come on a channel. If I can't see it, it goes away right? WRONG. I don't think I never really thought it would "go away" but I never really thought a $30 per month donation would do much for someone. I mean I grew up in a house where we spent $100 per week on groceries. $30 per month, that couldn't do anything worthwhile for a person.....change the channel. Yet I had no problem dropping $30 on wasteful "things" of this world back in those days. I say "back in those days" now because I am a changing loving child of God, who PRAYS and DESIRES to be so much more than I was......to give SO much more than I can.....to DO DO DO all that Christ calls me to do and to make what sacrifices are necessary for it to be done.

I think there has to be a change in heart to really BELIEVE that a difference can be made. One person can't change the world, but 100 people of God standing together on a mission to make a difference can make a HUGE difference to a group of people. I mean look at what has been done through our church!!! They started a Crazy Love Campaign, collected insane amounts of money and BUILT AN ORPHANAGE in Haiti!! I mean really?? A church in Hendersonville, TN has a congregation that gave enough of themselves to actually build an orphanage!!! That is CRAZY!!! SO crazy cool!!! I love it! Who can read that the congregation of a church felt the call and answered it and all these children will get to know the love of CHRIST because of it!!! I mean talk about answering when God is hollering!!! (On a side note, this is THE orphanage I will be going to on my trip.)

Okay.....let me get my thought track back. Okay, so one person CAN make a difference and SHOULD. I should. You should. All God's children should work together to make a difference. I am blessed beyond measure. Now, I don't live in a huge house or just have bank accounts with large sums of money in them. We have to budget in a night out to eat and I make sure bills are paid before I splurge on a $30 pair of jeans. BUT I am still blessed......far more than most in this world. I feel like I hear so many complaints about what people don't have or can't do or can't afford or want or "need" and who has more and who's house is bigger. I used to be that person.......USED TO! And NOW, I think twice about "needing" something and "wanting" something and what that money could mean to someone else's life. I mean if you had a $100 bill just handed to you......what would you do with it? I'm guessing most would go splurge on something or have a night out on the town or pay a bill. But do we ever really stop and think about the money we spend and what we spend it on? Is it junk of this world or are we investing in God's world. It's God's money anyways right? He blessed us with jobs to provide income.....so if it's HIS money, shouldn't we be better stewards? I love in the Bible it says:

Once our eyes are opened we cannot pretend we do not know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls knows we know and holds us responsible to act. Proverbs 24:12

God has opened my eyes, my heart and my soul to the hurting and suffering people in our world. To the orphans and the mothers who had to abandon them because they couldn't care for them. To the ones with no food, no clean water to drink, no homes......and more devastating NO knowing the LOVE of Christ! So MY HEART IS GOING IN SO MANY DIRECTIONS!!! I just can't keep up! I see so many opportunities to do things to help, places to make a difference, ways to contribute and honestly I WANT TO DO THEM ALL!! BUT I know that God would have me slow down, breathe and find a place to plug in and give it my all. One thing at a time, one day at a time. But where to start???

Well, I say I'm starting with this trip to Haiti. I'm starting by being aware of so much work to be done with the hands and feet of Christ. So I'm going to Haiti in less than 3 weeks and I'm coming back with crazy love in my heart to help the nations.

"But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth."---Acts 1:8

But what can a stay at home mom of 2 from TN really accomplish? I am gonna show you.....stay tuned to see HOW YOU CAN HELP, CONTRIBUTE AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE TOO!!! There is something for EVERYONE to do! I may not be able to do it ALL but I can do SOMETHING and that is A START!!

Not sure how much sense this all made, but it comes to me quicker than I can type and I lose my train of thought and I have 15 ideas at a time spinning around and well.....I hope you caught the gist of my heart going radically everywhere! <3

Heavy heart in the heat of the night......

So last night I woke up at 2am. I mean I was wide awake. I laid in the dark for awhile and thought I would drift back off to sleep. It was pitch black, no TV, no radio......just the calming hum from the ceiling fan. But, then I became fixated on the fan. The cool breeze it was blowing down onto us was so refreshing, especially since it was 93 degrees yesterday. I was so thankful to have that fan......which led to being so thankful to having the electricity for it to run on.......and then my mind spun out of control. Because then I started going through the whole list of things I should be thankful for that allow me to enjoy that ceiling fan on a hot summer night. Tony providing income so we can pay for the rent on this house that has a ceiling fan that requires a bill to be paid for the electricity to run it. Then laying there in the dark I found a room full of things I should be thankful for, everyday things that most of us are just "used" to having. I should be thankful that I have an incredibly comfortable mattress and pillow to rest my tired body on each night. I think that it becomes routine to just climb in the bed and get comfortable and go to sleep. Why wouldn't I every night climb in that bed and pray instantly for all God's people who are sleeping in ditches and under cars, in cars, under bridges, on streets, in the dirt......that may they have as restful a sleep as I? I say I don't pray for that because I am not as grateful for that bed as I should be.....it is just a normal part of my world. I've never NOT had a bed to sleep in or a pillow to put under my head. So from there.......mind and heart were in total overload.

I laid there thinking about a conversation I had with a young lady this last week. She herself is headed to Haiti in July. She will go just before me and be back just before I leave. We were discussing how incredible it will be and different details of the packing challenge. I told her leaving out my blow dryer, flat iron and makeup will free up much space that I am not used to having in my suitcase. So we began discussing the blow dryer issue. I told her I wasn't sure we'd even have access to use one but beyond that I didn't care to use one while I am gone. If I am to truly go and take away as much as I can from this.....I think I need to give up such small luxuries. No fresh running water, no blow dryer, no special perks.....all these things will just make me so much more appreciative of what I have at home. But then on Thursday that got flipped into something else.

On Thursday I needed to go to the grocery. I told Tony last week that we needed to buy LESS at the grocery and really eat all our food between visits to the store. No waste, no food spoiling, no throwing anything out. So I went to the store and spent about $25 less than normal and came home to put my items away. It never fails that there is ALWAYS a vegetable or pack of meat that has spoiled and needs to be trashed. Wasted food, wasted money......I am ashamed. As I cleaned a few items from the fridge, I threw out half a package of bacon, a few squash, a zucchini, and half a pound of lunch meat. I actually teared up thinking how many starving children this could've fed. Then I added up that it was probably about $10 wasted. If I waste $10 per week in groceries, that's $520 per year. WOW!!!! Now, when you look at half a package of lunch meat, it doesn't seem like much. To some starving child, it may keep them alive until their next meal. Plus, when you add up the money being wasted.......that's money that could be put to doing Kingdom Works for Him. Right? But I've heard people say "The people in starving countries don't know any different." This just makes me more angry at myself. Shouldn't I WANT them to know something different? Don't ALL God's children deserve a fair shot at a wholesome meal every single day? As a child of God, shouldn't I work to do better so I can do something more pleasing with that wasted money?


I was awake until almost 4:30, that was the last time I glanced at the clock. Ceiling fans, blow dryers, bacon.......all have new meanings now. God can show up anywhere you are (or are NOT) looking to find Him. <3

I give all myself.....to YOU!

This is my desire.....to give ALL myself to YOU! To follow you into the homes of the broken, to follow you into the world. To meet the needs of the poor and needy.

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'" Matthew 25:40

How could I NOT give it away so freely!!! How? Why not? Use my hands and feet to make YOUR kingdom come!!! Until your work is done, I will go to the corners of the earth. Faith WITHOUT works is dead. How could we not give it away so freely?



Haiti is just the beginning of something so much bigger.....right? It has to be. As much as I feel and as much as I cry. As much as I am on fire to serve these people without even knowing them. As much LOVE as I hold in my heart for them.....it's only the start. I want to give ALL MYSELF to HIM!!! Whatever that means! WHATEVER it means! I see these pics and it is incredibly overwhelming to know I will see it with my own eyes in 38 days. I cannot wait to see the babies and children that will have their lives forever changed by this orphanage. I cannot wait to meet them face to face.....to hug them, love on them, laugh with them. What an amazing gift that God will share a piece of them with me! I pray that I take this blessing to the fullest extent.....that it doesn't just become some summer mission trip I took. That it forever changes me, I pray it forever changes my heart......that it has the power to forever change hearts around me with a story God will give me to share. I sometimes wonder if I'm asking God for too much in this....and then I remember that God is bigger than anything we could EVER ask from Him. He IS who He says He IS!!!! And He can DO all that He says He can DO!!!! And I believe with all my heart.....this is merely the beginning of something bigger than I can imagine. I pray for it every single day and night. It's overwhelming and exciting and it's more than I ever imagined it would be.....and I haven't even packed yet. I sometimes wonder if my head will spin off or just explode instead. I know it sounds crazy talk to some......but I don't care!! It's honestly HOW I feel and it's honestly what God is doing in my heart that is CrAZy!!!! I LoVe It!!!



"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy."
Proverbs 31:8-9


Father we will lead them home. We will pick up the crippled man!!! There are TEARS from the saints for the LOST and UNsaved......we are crying for them to come back home! Your children will stretch out their hands!!!!

HE is my JOY!!! He has SET ME ON FIRE!

And He set me on fire
And I am burning alive
With His breath in my lungs
I am coming undone
And I cannot hold it in and remain composed
Love’s taken over me and so
I propose the letting myself go
I am letting myself go

You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy

I need to catch my breath, I need to
I need to catch my breath, give me a moment now

Emotional overload......is an understatement.

The World Health Organization reports that nearly half of the worlds population is at risk for malaria. Nearly 1,000,000 people die yearly from this disease. And every 30 seconds a child in Africa dies from malaria.......about 200,000 infants a year! So with this in mind, let me tell you where I was mentally today:

I have to take malaria pills for my upcoming trip. 1 pill a week for 7 weeks, 2 before I go, 1 while I'm gone, and the 4 weeks after I come home. So I called Walgreens to check to see if they had them on hand or if they had to order them. The girl informed me they have them in stock and to bring my prescription to be filled. I inquired about the cost of these pills.....thinking they were to be costly for something so out of the ordinary. The young lady on the phone says $32.39. I said "Per pill?" "No ma'am, total". As I hung up, I had to pull over the car and take a deep breath. I am going to spend less than $33 on pills that will keep me from getting this deadly disease. HOW is it that this many children DIE from a disease that can be prevented so cheaply? WHY can we NOT get them what they need to not die needlessly? HOW can we sit here and do nothing? HOW can we make a difference.....a REAL difference? KNOWING there is a problem is the start.....but where do we go from here? I WANT to know!!!

Beyond the malaria, it took me to a new place. I thought about how that $33 is equivalent to one lunch per week for the 7 weeks. And then that thought led me to another thought......how many times have I said "I'm starving", when it has been 5 or 6 hours since my last meal?? How many of these babies go 5-6 DAYS without a single meal? So "starving" doesn't really MEAN "starving" to me does it? Can I ever truly know the meaning of that word? Can you? I don't mean that to be ugly....I just really don't think most of us know what "starving" truly is. I mean how much food do you toss out when you clean out the fridge? For us it is more than we should! Should we really waste any food? Is it just that easy for us to just toss it out without a thought? For me it used to be.......but it is harder and harder. And now we make a conscious effort to eat all that we buy and to not buy more than we will eat. I mean the store is only 3 miles up the road. Can't I go every 4 or 5 days instead of every 7-10??? Can we be inconvenienced to not be wasteful? Then the money we save instead of throwing away food can be sent to help feed STARVING children? Just a thought. Just a plethora of thoughts......so much swirling in my head.

After that, I went on to think about how so many of us can complain of boredom? Really? Is it even possible to be bored with so much to do around us? Bored? There is always something to be done....get in the word? help someone in need? In Proverbs 6 it warns us against FOLLY. Folly is defined as "a foolish action, mistake or idea". Ouch.....that's all I will say, ouch. I'm doing some soul searching and making some changes.

Flip Flops for Haiti

Every year Old Navy has a big flip flop blow out sale!!! $1 Flip flops!!! So this year, we got up at 7am and went to brave the other mad shoppers trying to stock up on floppers. We weren't aware until our arrival that you can ONLY buy 5 pairs at a time. Well, with the line stretched around the store and a buggy with 30 pairs of flip flops, we got creative!!! I called my mom to come help me out AND she graciously abliged!! Our first trip around, Mae AND Logan both were able to buy 5 pairs each. Logan simply had to be able to hand over money in order to be considered a "customer". I loved it!! So we got 20 the first time around and then had to go back through again for 10 more. 2 hours and $30 later......we successfully purchased 30 pairs of floppers for sweet Haiti babies at the orphange I'm heading to in July!

Special thanks to Mom and Trish for contributing to the "flip flop fund" to get these bad boys bought!!! My suitcases are filling up fast!! Praise the Lord!

This Little Light of Mine.....

"Work for the Lord. The pay isn't much, but the retirement benefit is out of this world."----unknown


Matthew 6:3-4 says: "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

The notes at the bottom of my bible say: "It is easier to do what's right when we gain recognition and praise. To be sure our motives are not selfish, we should do our good deeds quietly or in secret, with no thought of reward. Ask yourself "Would I still do this if no one would ever know I did it?"

So this verse is in my heart on a daily basis. I read it and re-read it and ask others of their interpretations. And I think that after months and months of trying to come to grips with what this verse means, I know what it means to me. I get the whole don't boast about your good deeds. Obviously don't go around tooting your own gracious horn. However, I think that as believers and followers we are to share times when God motivates us to do certain things. I love when I have a story of God's provision and although my right hand was working, God is getting ALL the glory. This has happened on a few occasions that something wonderful happened and I have held back from sharing an awesome story. Simply because I didn't want anyone to think I wanted the "thunder". When in reality and in my heart, I just wanted to shout for joy at the Glory of God!

For example.....
Here in Nashville, we experienced a severe flood on May 2, 2010. It left massive amounts of damage, thousands of homes under water and lots of work to be done. I was so mesmerized by the outpouring from people willing to help others. Not just the church, but people from all walks of life. I was also moved by the people who themselves had been affected by the flood, that STILL went out to help those who had been affected worse. It was quite glorious to see God's hands and feet in full motion.
Being a stay at home mom, I am not able to do all the things I wish I could as far as church and volunteering go.......I have 2 under 5 and that's not always the most convenient. But I had a good friend who was arranging for laundry to be done for flood victims. All the clothing these dear people owned had been under dirty water for 3-4 days and it needed to be cleaned to be salvaged. So I figured doing laundry was something I for sure could do at home with the kids, I mean I do our laundry (most of the time). So I loaded up my 2, plus 1 extra I was watching for a friend and off we went to pick up some laundry. What happened next was all GOD!!
I got there thinking I would pick up some garbage bags and go home and wash the stuff. That's not what God was thinking. Ms. Becky hadn't even gathered the items yet. So my hubby came to help with his friend, 2 high schoolers from the church and me......we loaded up all of her and her husbands clothes. All of them to a tune of 11 black garbage bags. From here we decided that clearly this was more than we had thought so my new friend Michelle and I went to the local laundry mat to get them done faster. 2 of us to knock them out, this shouldn't take long......again, God had another plan. At the laundry mat the girls from Suntrust saw me and my hubby unloading all the bags from his truck. The window teller came over (we bank there) and was asking if we had been affected by flood waters. We told her "No, we are just doing these for someone else, we were blessed to be untouched." She then handed me $60 in quarters. They had collected a quick donation to help us out! As I'm standing in tears, in awe of God's provision, I am thinking there is NO WAY we need this much money. I had $20 in quarters, as did Michelle. Did we really need $100? After 40 loads, 15 dryers going at a time and 3 screaming kids......we used $95 to do Ms. Becky's laundry. I was floored!! FLOORED! God saw a need in our moment, we never even asked for help.....we didn't know we needed it!!! Jehovah Jireh, Lord God will provide!!! Amen!!

Now, how do you NOT tell someone that story? I know some would say I'm just bragging about doing 40 loads of laundry.....HA!!! Trust me, laundry is NOT my forte. I loathe doing laundry....which is why I believe with all my heart that was where God had me to serve. I should be more appreciative of the laundry I have to do and the capacity to do it. How can I keep that story and the lessons learned in it---all to myself? I don't think I am supposed to.

The Bible also says:
"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them--yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me." 1Cor 10

True humility is recognizing that God's work in you. It is having God's perspective on who you are and acknowledging his grace in developing your abilities.

TRUST me.....ONLY God's grace allowed me and Michelle to accomplish what was done that day.

Mae loves the babies in Haiti.......

I had already began falling in love with Haiti several months before the quake (Thank you Kelly). Our small group at church began praying for them as a people group and it grew. Our church was in the works at the time with Global Orphan Project to build an orphanage in Haiti. It's part of the Crazy Love Campaign. When they began talking about the orphanage our church was going to build, I told Tony I had to go when it was built. Of course I'm sure Tony didn't really put much thought into this.......I mean "how" could I go? "How" could I leave them behind for a week, "how" could we afford so much money and "how" would the kids be taken care of while Tony works? But God already had a plan for all of those "how's". And he began showing me the "why". My desire and passion to go only grew more and more over the months. Then one morning in January I woke up to reports on the news of a tragic earthquake having ravaged Haiti. My heart was shattered. I watched in tears, feeling helpless as there was nothing I could do to help right now. As I watched over the next several days, Maekayla tuned in with me. Maekayla began to be very inquisitive about Haiti following the earthquake. She had lots of questions about what we were seeing. I explained best as I could as to how the earth had shook and it knocked down buildings and houses and how many people were without homes or shelter. We talked about how many babies had lost their mommy's and daddy's and how some mommy's had lost their babies. Mae was very upset about this. She began saving her money and whatever she could swindle out of others to save up in her "Haiti bucket". When asked what the money is for, she replies "It's for the babies in Haiti to buy food and cups and plates." She still prays at night "God please watch over the babies in Haiti and don't let them die." And she randomly inserts other things like finding them mommy's and daddy's and getting them some toys to play with so they'll be happy. She melts my heart.

I'm not sure if Mae really understands at 4 years old what she's seen in the pictures we've looked at or what it truly means that they have no mommy's. But I do know that Mae understands selflessness. She even put her $10 her Grandpa sent her for her birthday in her bucket. She informed me that she didn't need it to buy something. She stated that she has "many somethings and the babies in Haiti don't have any somethings." She's wise beyond her whole 4 years.

So here she is with her bucket, saving all her pennies and quarters. I am packing a suitcase with items to take to the children who will be in our orphanage. And Maekayla is going to take her money, go shopping and then help me pack those items away for me to deliver for her. While I am there, I can take pictures of how these items will bring smiles to these faces and she will SEE the difference she helped make. Tony and I pray this will help her to understand more what she has done to help these children.

God bless Mae!!! She's one special little girl. Of course, I'm not biased or anything!!

Read more about the Global Orphan Project and the Crazy Love Campaign here:
www.theglobalorphanproject.org
www.crazylovecampaign.com

Chris Tomlin - Take My Life

Okay......so now more tears.

I think I don't want anyone to see me cry about this all just yet. Maybe because it makes me feel weak? Maybe because I'm not sure who would try to talk me out of it and who would just pump me back up. It's scary to me. I leave on a Friday and come back the following Saturday night. I've done the math now and it is 198 hours that I will go without seeing my family's faces. 198 hours of being without my hubby. 198 hours to go without having my little girl getting on my last nerve. 198 hours with no one needing me to make chocolate milk or fix dinner or love on a bump or bruise. 198 hours with no kisses and hugs and no bedtime stories. 198 hours of being away from my home and my "comfort zone". 198 hours is a long time........but then I find comfort.

Because God is reminding me that it will be 198 hours of life changing circumstances and encounters and mind blowing moments. 198 hours of seeing precious little faces of God's children, 198 hours of 100 or so orphans to love on!!! 198 hours of babies with no mommy to love on their bumps and bruises----and I will!!! 198 hours of endless hugs and kisses and endless playtime and stories! 198 hours of learning what a comfort zone is and how to better appreciate all that I have. 198 hours is a long time......and I fear it won't be long enough.

If you are confused, then welcome to my world. For every down, God shows me an up. For every worry, God gives me a glory. It's an emotional rollercoaster ride already and I haven't even started to pack. Tony says I'm a cry baby these days. I agree. I just find that I'm so consumed with emotion that I am usually left to just cry......so now here are more tears. But right now I hear Chris Tomlin's "Take My Life" playing in my head.

I posted the video in case you've never heard it or want to hear it again......

And to think I was EVER nervous???

Okay. So just yesterday morning I was nervous. I was a tad apprehensive. Never stressed or worried, just aware that there is more money to be raised and I have 5-6 weeks to do it. Money is tight for us as a family. Tony is self employed and the only one bringing home any bacon. Now, we pay our bills and we get by but we knew that me going to Haiti wouldn't be money we could just "earn". I knew I was going to have to get creative and come up with some serious money to ease the burden of taking it from "family funds". So began the "how" of the journey to Haiti. I already know WHY I desire to go, I can't wait to see WHY God wants me to go, but HOW I was going was a whole seperate issue.

As I said in my earlier post, I was blessed to have my Uncle Lenny jumpstart my mission trip funding. He apparently saw something in my heart that moved him to jump in. I felt blessed that I had a great start to my little mission. But after that meeting Wed night, I got on my FaceBook and posted that I still need to raise more money. The responses I got floored me! I have a friend who is willing to cut me in on a percentage of his live entertainment ticket sales. A friend who is willing to do haircuts at a great price and give me all the money. And a friend who budgeted her money and is offering me a large chunk of money. I am floored. I tend to get embarrased by birthday gifts, etc. So to have these lovely friends offer up to me what they have is very humbling. I'm thinking that may be part of God's plan in this. I mean I did ask for help.....God found some warm hearts He knew would help, so why am I questioning their WHY?? I believe God told me to go to Haiti, so I should equally believe God told them to help me get there----right?

So now, my trip is completely covered!! The only part I still have to cover is the imuunizations and clothes to take. I've been in awe the last 24 hours of God's goodness!! He's good ALL OF THE TIME. And never ceases to amaze me!

To all those who have had a hand in getting me to Haiti, THANK YOU!!! For all the one's who will be stepping in and helping out with the rest, THANK YOU!!! To the ones who are going to love on my babies and hubby while I am gone, THANK YOU!!!

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!! For YOUR faithfulness! Your faithfulness in the Lord and your faith in me and my mission.

So here I am.......

I fear that this first post may be long, drawn out, over informative, OR really boring, pointless, abstract. Either way, I have so much to say......

To see the HOW I got to WHERE I am, you'll have to read the "about me" part.
How I got here is important but the WHY I am here is even bigger......and that is one I am still learning about.

Today, this is WHERE I am.......
I attended my first planning meeting last night for my Haiti mission trip. Going in I was under the assumption that the cost was "x" amount of dollars. At the meeting, we learned our cost had gone up by a couple hundred. This did make me nervous at first but I know that God will take care of it. He has after all gotten me to this point, why start getting nervous now? He layed it on my dear friend Erica's heart to volunteer to play mommy while I am gone. He layed it on my dear Uncle Lenny's heart to jump start my fundraising efforts in a HUGE way. He layed it on my husband's heart to even consider allowing me to go-----although I think after 5 years my hubby knows that once my mind is set, there's no real hope of changing it. HE got me here.....I didn't dare think He would forsake me now, did I? As we took turns asking questions and learning the basic details of our trip, my nervousness did creep in slowly. Nervous about the extra money to raise, nervous about the tiny plane we have to ride on.......I ignored it and pushed it back and prayed it would go away. After the meeting, I loaded my little man into the car and we headed to the park to watch the hubby play softball. As I drove down the road I passed a church sign that simply said "Trust in God is the cure for all fear". Okay, now there are times where I specifically ask God to give me a sign, send me a memo, something. This time I think God gave me a real sign to get over the fear! I mean it was right there in my face! TRUST IN GOD!! And I shall. Because there is one thing I am learning quickly in this whole journey of me going to Haiti......I cannot do it alone! I HAVE to HAVE GOD!!

I have cried, I will admit it. I think only 1 or 2 have actually been witness to this and it was on the phone, so no one has really seen the tears. The real breakdowns over the fear of it all. The fear of leaving my husband and my children for 9 days. The fear of not being here to be mommy for my babies. The fear of the unknown. The fear of how heartbreaking this is going to be to witness such poverty. The fear of how I will feel to leave all those sweet babies behind when I leave to come home. The fear of how it will forever change me. The fear of who I will be at the end. And then there is my excitement of all that GOD is going to do....excitement of the unknown! Excitement to be blessed to witness the poverty that really exists that I've only ever seen through media! Excited to come home and share all about the babies I was blessed to love on!! Excitement of how I'm going to forever be changed! Excitement of who God may change me into from this!

I'm sure you're asking "How can you be excited about witnessing the poverty of it all?" Because by witnessing it, I can share it! God will open doors for me to share my experience and my love for HIM! I'm not going with expectations because God already has His plans for me. But I don't expect to stay the same, that I am sure of already. Because God wants us to grow and change. And I'm positive that is unavoidable. I'm eager to see what comes of this journey.......

So now I have to still raise a few hundred dollars, gather my supplies for that week, pack a suitcase full of items to leave with the orphans.......and get some shots.

Please be in prayer for the orphans who have yet to come to the orphanage. It's wonderful to think that God has already picked them all by hand and has great things planned for thier lives............for they will forever be changed as well!!