......so much to tell.

There's so much to tell and share and well........life gets busy and before you know it, it's been weeks and I haven't told or shared anything. And there is SO much that I want to tell.......I just haven't made the time. Maybe because I'm scared it will come out wrong? Maybe because it is still so emotional to "go back" and "be there"........but I really must press on and just tell it like it is to me.
So I'm starting here with Sophia.
I wrote about Sophia before, my sweet sweet Sophia.
The precious teen who wrote me a letter last summer saying good-bye and called me her momma.
The one who has never left my heart since making her mark on it last summer.
This one........


Sophia.........ah, I love this girl! Over the 10 months that we were apart, we were able to exchange a few letters and I was able to send her pictures and a small gift bag of goodies. We kept in touch as best as it was possible to do so with no postal system, internet or phones. I really just wanted her to know that she is always on my heart and mind and in my prayers. And while I always think of her......I didn't know what to really expect in getting back to see her. I mean really......would she remember me? would she be as excited to see me as I would be to see her? I honestly went with no expectations, none. I didn't want to be disappointed and I surely didn't want to put any pressure on the moment. So when we arrived at the orphanage that Saturday......I was "playing it cool" on the outside but aching to run her down and squeeze her on the inside. And no sooner than I got off the bus--------GOD BLEW ME AWAY!!!

I was approached by kids that I didn't recognize, one's that KNEW my name! And they are all saying 'Pam-E-la".......over and over. And they are pulling at my arm and pointing towards the homes and saying "Sophia, Sophia" and I soon realized that they were making a connection between me and her! And they KNEW who I was! And they were insistent that I was going to the house to see Sophia. And as I started to cross the bridge over, I saw her......coming towards me with one shoe on and one shoe in her hand......and we met in the middle of this bridge!

And she hugged and squeezed me and I was tearing up and she would pull back and look at me and then hug me again.....it was wonderful!!! I don't think Paramount Pictures would've written a more beautiful moment for this! And other children are by us and they are pointing at me and then pointing to Sophia and saying "Manman" (means Mother) and pointing to their hearts........and I was crying now and saying "Yes, manman". And now they aren't only talking about me being Sophia's momma but I think they were talking about me being there momma. And I honestly was overwhelmed at how much I wanted to just load them all up in the bus and bring them home with me and be their momma. It was overwhelming and beautiful and was more of a moment than I could have even imagined myself.
The next 6 days with her were amazing and it was so hard to leave her again.......but I hope and pray that I will touch that sweet face again!! I've been gone for almost 2 months.....but we've already managed to swap letters (and I sent photos) and I can't wait to see what she has to say!

Sophia will never know how she has changed me..........but I pray she knows how much I love her!

the beginning is always a good place.......

But I am not sure where to begin......

I have visited my blog several times over the last 20 days. I have logged on, stared at the screen and typed nothing. I have cried and prayed and prayed and cried. I have come to realize that I have so much to say......that I don't know where to start. I don't want to overwhelm my posting with too much.......or short change it by not saying as much as my heart is screaming to let out. It becomes overwhelming and then I shut down and shut down the computer. But my heart has so much to get out........so this is where I will start, today!

First, let me say that I was so not ready (yet again) for all that God had laid out for this journey. Not just this trip down but the whole thing starting way back at the beginning. I fell in love with Haiti by catching a bit of the passion oozing from my sweet friend Kelly. She was so in love with the people of Haiti and had such an intense heart for them, that I knew this was a place I had to go see myself. I told her I would go with her on a trip..........but not long after that conversation I learned that our church was partnering with Global Orphan Project to build an orphan village in Haiti! How amazing is God's timing, right??!!! So I decided I would wait and go with a group from Long Hollow. 6 months after Long Hollow started the plans and set this undertaking in motion......an earthquake hit in Port-au-Prince and shook an already impoverished country to it's core. I remember the moment I saw it on the news that morning I was in tears, I felt this crazy intensity to go help.......my heart was literally breaking for the people of this country. And the sweet babies who had been orphaned because of it, as if there wasn't already enough beautiful angels in need of a place to call home. So I prayed and I prayed and I prayed....and in July 2010 (6 months after the earthquake) I was SO blessed to put my feet on Haiti soil and Haiti FOREVER in my heart!!!!

There is nothing that can ever compare to what I saw the first time I landed in Haiti and I could never imagine that I was about to be blessed by those gorgeous faces in ways I hadn't fathomed. But God showed up in huge leaps and bounds and rocked my socks OFF!!! He shook me to the core, turned my heart upside down and said PAMELA, YOU'LL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. And I heard Him and He was so right! From the moment I left------I was instantly aching to be back! Those sweet children have my heart in a way I didn't know existed.

Blessed am I that my precious husband gave me his blessing to make a return trip 10 months after the first one. It takes so much for him to let me go.........he is self employed and I am a stay at home mom. He doesn't get or take vacation time and for him to have to get help from anyone but me for anything for the 8 days I would be gone...........well, some guys just don't like asking for help. But he said that he couldn't stand in the way of what me and God had going on. I love him!!!

So I went. And I don't know what I was expecting to become of this trip........but whatever it was, God blew it away time and time again!!! He pushed me in ways I didn't know I needed to be pushed, but sure glad He knew I needed it! He showed me things I could have never thought to ask to see. He fueled the flame in my heart for these amazing orphans and he left it blazing bigger than ever! I have so many stories to share......so many deep thoughts to "put into words" and photos galore. Every time I thought I "have it ready"......I realize that I am still processing it all. But I am going to get it out.....because God definitely didn't intend to give me this gift and then to hide it away. They are too sweet to be kept selfishly and not shared with other hearts!

So while I am processing........I pray and I have faith God will give me the right words at the right time. So until then............

Here is my single favorite photo from this trip.........probably my favorite photo I have EVER taken! EVER!!

17 days and counting......

Only 17 more days to go......and we'll be Haiti bound! A hundred thoughts have raced through my mind these last couple months......and a hundred times, I sat down to blog. Believe it or not, I couldn't find the words. I'm so overwhelmed to get back! I didn't realized that I could/would be MORE excited the second time than I was the first time!!! It's incredible to have this intense desire to want to be back there! I can't explain it.....I've actually had dreams about this upcoming trip. Some were good, some were not so good. But I do know that my mind is racing and my heart is pounding and it's time to get back!!

One amazing part of this journey is this time I got to watch my mom be blessed. It was wonderful to see God show up the way He has and how He has had his hand on every tiny detail so far. I have loved every single phone call and text from her sharing good news about a donation or how something just worked out so perfectly. I love watching her the way she watched me leading up to my first trip!! And now.....I get to experience her first trip with her! My mom and I are super close anyhow-----and I have a feeling that God is getting ready to take that to a whole new level we probably can't imagine on our own. I am so pumped!!! I am just giddy at this point!!! :)

On my last trip, I started reading Radical by David Platt. It was an incredible read anyhow, but to be reading it WHERE I was made it even more intense on my heart. There was one thing he said that really hit me as I read it on the plane headed back to Nashville:
“Orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they're not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes.”
And he is right!! It all changes! There are sweet faces and names that I can't get out of my mind or off my heart. When my screen saver on my computer is putting on a slide show, I can sit and just get lost in thought remembering my time with such amazing angels of grace!!! I am amazed that God has blessed me yet again to get to go spend time with these precious children......and I am so thrilled at the memories that will be made!!!

My journey to Haiti started in the summer of 2009......and it hasn't stopped yet. It has been an incredible ride and I have loved every single bump bruise and break and praise.......because it has shown, grown and taught me so so much more than I could've ever hoped!

......and away we go.

So.....here I go again. Last night was meeting #1 of our journey BACK to Haiti. It was SO good to see familiar faces and some new ones too. I am already so excited about what God is preparing for our group and how this is all going to play out for His glory. Our group is so diverse and going to be so much fun! It's shaping up to be amazing already!
Of course there's always the $$money$$ factor that can be the most stress.......and of course the cost of the trip has already changed and increased.......and of course that's to be expected. BUT this time, I'm so not worried! God provided a way before and He will not short change me this time either. This time around I am eager to WATCH how He shows Himself and paves the path so smoothly..........

My last journey to Haiti.......I was very moved by the song "God of this City" by Chris Tomlin. The lyrics just spoke to my heart about the country and it's distress since the earthquake and how clearly God has greater plans for the people of Haiti. BUT this time it has a different feel. This time I am emotionally attached to these children. I have met them already. I know so many by name and have touched their sweet faces and loved on them......this time, it's personal. This time I will look eagerly through the crowd to find my sweet Sophia and race to her! This time, it will be familiar and I will feel back at home. This time, it means more......because this time I've ached to be there. I have prayed for these children by name and I dream of their faces and I long to hold them again. This time......it feels different. And I can't wait.
So last night.....listening to my current favorite CD......Christy Nockles "Life Light Up". The very last song on that CD is "By Our Love". It really shakes me to the core every time......it just simply speaks volumes of the hows/whys I feel so drawn to go back and to continue going back......
I was moved even more when I was searching for a link to the song to post on here. I came across Christy Nockle's "why" of writing the song.....and then I really understood WHY this song gets me the way it does. Because like Christy.....I want my children to "get it". I want them to see with their own eyes what we do out of our over pour of love for Christ. I want them to see that as Christians we are to love everyone---even those half way around the world. I want them to know that God will always be there for us when we are faithful---that going to the hard places is what we do.....it's part of our walk with Him. I desire it to be their desire to live such a life as well. Here's what Christy said about writing this song.......


********Songwriting is such an amazing process to me... Long before there were lyrics or even a melody for this song, I knew it would be on my record. My husband Nathan and I would talk about songs during the writing process and I'd say, "remember there will be a song called "By Our Love". I had one tiny melodic idea for it, but that was it really... This song really took shape the morning after a very special gathering with our new church family in Atlanta. It was one of those sweet times together in God's presence that I will never forget. Our two oldest children were a part of that gathering, and even though their eyes could barely stay open towards the end of our worship time that night, my prayer was that they'd somehow sense and grasp the presence of God in that place and remember it. I realized more than ever that night that I want my children to "get it." I want them to understand that you can't have worship without love and justice. Our songs must have hands and feet, and they must go into the darkest places of the world. The distractions that our children are exposed to in this country and their desensitized minds and hearts became like a heavy brick on my heart. My prayer is that God will allow my children to see with His eyes and love with His hands in their lifetime...that they might "stand firm in the truth and set their hearts above". How can we show them most effectively that it's "by our love" that we are set apart and "by our love" that we show Jesus to the world. I can recall some amazing moments from my childhood that my parents faithfully exposed me to worship, and also lived lives of love to those around us. I have vivid memories of my mom, in particular, involving me in random acts of kindness. I have an early memory of her driving me to the home of a little girl from our church, who had no mother, and a father who could barely care for her. She took down the little girl's measurements that day and in the following weeks, made her a beautiful Easter dress. My mom was also the one who sat with me for hours at the piano, teaching me worship songs and how to sing harmonies. My mother understood worship and justice, and because she involved me, I remember and I understand...I've always been intrigued by Ephesians 5:19, it says, "Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs." There is an exhortation that songs can carry with them, and I believe even modern worship songs can have that feel and purpose, as many of the old hymns did. My prayer is that this song might be a song we sing to each other when it's appropriate...a reminder and a "calling forth" of those whom we walk life with, whom we parent and lead...to live lives of deep love for Jesus' sake. ********


TO LIVE LIVES OF DEEP LOVE FOR JESUS' SAKE!!! ..........................amen!

GOING BACK!!!

Yeah!!! My darling dear hubby has given me his blessing------I am GOING BACK to Haiti!!! I cannot wait! I am overjoyed and SO excited to get back there and back to those precious babies, especially my sweet Sophia!

The BESTEST part (yes, I said bestest!) is that my mom is coming with me!!!! I cannot believe that she is finally saying YES but she is and she's COMING TOO!!!! This is going to be an incredible journey to share with her and I cannot wait to see ALL that God is going to show us and all the ways we are going to GROW together in our walk!

Now, there's so much to do!!! Money to raise for BOTH of us! Mom has to get all her shots, she has no passport----she has to get a copy of her birth certificate first. We leave in 15 weeks and 2 days!!! That is basically around the corner!! Ahhhhh!

And yes......I am excited. I know you can tell by the million (okay not that many, but I would if I had time!) exclamation points I have used!!!! So we leave the end of May and here we go..............

another orphan adopted into his forever home......

Tonight I was blessed to go to the airport to celebrate with many great friends. We all rejoiced together as our precious friends made their way from the plane into a new life with a new son. A precious God given son from Ethiopia. A miracle. A long hard journey----ending with rejoicing! Rejoicing in the Lord and his unending faithfulness. Praises!

While at the airport, I was in the company of several others in the process of adoption........one who already got her Ethiopian princess a couple months ago, one on the waiting list for a little boy and a couple who are waiting on siblings from Ethiopia. Also......a dear friend who welcomed home her Ethiopian prince a year ago.....AND a lady (whom I'd never met) with a Guatemalan princess. I MUST say it------total adoption ENVY! Yup, I am envious. Yup, I know I am not supposed to be jealous or covet......but I do and I KNOW I do?! I get it----we all have different seasons and this is simply "not my time"........I pray daily to "really get it" and to "really let go" that while God has set me on fire, it's simply just my time to love on my friends and to celebrate in their journey's along side them.

Again......I will say it. I pray daily about letting my husband lead our house, about following his lead, about letting him drive this train.........I am a strong willed person, so it's hard. And I know it's yet another way God is working to humble me. I am okay with that (most days). With my husband leading the way, I find that we are in different places, in different areas......that's okay because I know God grows us all at different rates, speeds and with different destinations. And that God has a plan for me and Tony----He did bring us right together at just the right time. BUT what I also believe is God wouldn't just break my heart and then abandon me in my willingness to go to the hard places. Or do I just "think" I am willing? Does God know differently? Does God see something in my heart that I am not aware exists?

So I pray: God please show me where You want me to be. God please guide me to what I need to be doing. God, I know you wouldn't break me and then leave me to suffer in the tears alone. I know you are with me.......but what is it all for? What is this fire you are burning in my heart?

So I love my friends who are following in God's word and adopting. I love that they are so faithful and fearless.......jumping straight into what God desires for us to do for the least of them. Amazing hearts, amazing strength, awe inspiring stories!! I love them all and I love God for placing them in my life and heart. I know God has a purpose in all of this.......just curious to see the "what's and why's"-------when He is ready to share with me. Because it is HIS story after all.

New Year's Resolutions......Goals

Resolutions?! Every year it seems resolutions get made and broken.........I am notorious for making a list of "goals" for the year and well, life just seems to creep in and take over. It's always the same. Plus is the cold bleak winter really the best time to make any resolution that doesn't involve eating junk food, sleeping in late and veggie out for movie marathons?? Cause if those were my new years resolutions......I would be able to hold to them tightly until at least March or April. :)

But this year......I did it again. I made a list of resolutions and goals for the new year upon us. Just wanted to share with others so maybe I have more accountability? Eh, who knows....I may end up on the "couldn't keep my resolutions train"......we'll see. So here's my current goals for the new year:

Read through the bible chronologically-----cover to cover!
Reading through a children's chronological bible with Maekayla!
Run in a half marathon in April!
Lose the 10 lbs I gained so far this cold season----PLUS another 30!
Get back to my crafting----I miss my creative outlet and the stress relief it is to me!
Be a better mommy and spend more quality time with my kiddies...be intentional!
Be a better wife and keep praying for God to keep teaching me to let my husband LEAD!!
Get back to Haiti at least once----praying for my hubby to GO with me??!!
Finally get my house unclutter and decorated and that includes hanging some pictures on the walls.

Yeah.....so these are just to start and we'll see what is success and where I fall short. But I know that with God anything is possible. He knows the desires of our hearts......I am praying that with God I can accomplish all these and anything else that falls on my heart!! We shall see!!!

Happy New Year to you all!!! Love!!!!