sometimes a picture is worth 1,000 words......or to me 1,000 tears

I have this incredible story to tell.  I have wanted to share it on my blog......I have shared it with a few friends face to face.  But I just feel that a picture is worth a 1,000 words and I have been longing to get my hands on these photos and share them and the story........because it is worth a 1,000 tears to me.  I get completely choked up thinking about this moment and remembering my heart ready to explode from my chest and the love I felt and the belonging and the brokenness and this overwhelming sense of peace. 

So last summer on our final day of HBS (Haitian Bible School) we did a craft project with the kids where we did hand prints.  We rolled out sheets of art easel paper and had cups of tempera paint and we let the children put their hand prints on the paper and write their name with colorful sharpies.  It was such a fun and awesome time to watch them get messy in the art and to see all of their hands together.

Needless to say, it was a little chaotic........150 kids to hand print, one table, lots of paint, 100 degrees and trying to stay semi-orderly.  But they nailed it! They are SO awesome when it comes to following directions and taking instructions.  They are eager to be near you and involved and to see what fun is in store.  So we have the table all set up and we are going to town........

There are a couple older guys that are helping to keep the children organized and the flow moving and it's going great.  Then I felt a tug on my hand and when I looked over Saint Fey was painting my hand red.......

I instantly began to swell up inside my heart.......I asked Saint Fey "what are you doing?"  To which he replied "You are one of us." With that, he placed my hand print on the sheet of paper with the hands of so many precious children who I have taken into my heart as MINE and it was confirmed to me that they too had taken ME in as THEIRS.  

It was incredible, amazing and such a humbling moment.  Because while I had already taken them into my heart and my prayers and was broken for them........I never knew how much I wanted and needed to be a part of them.  And I already was, I am......and now I have my hand print amongst theirs as a reminder that we are all ONE with Christ and we will never be truly separated because we will all be together when it's all said and done. 

............in every single detail.

He's there. Always. In every single detail. And maybe I was feeling a little relaxed. Maybe I wasn't as guarded about this 3rd trip. Maybe I was too comfortable resting IN Him, that I was on auto-pilot. Maybe He just wanted to remind me that HE is still here and in control even when (especially when) I don't feel "out of control". Because the reality is that I have fully trusted Him this time with much more grace and ease than the previous trips. So maybe He just felt the need to snap His fingers at me. And boy did He.........
The first sigh moment was that ordered this shirt to support an adoption.......



It has Micah 6:8 on the back:

But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do,
what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously—take God seriously.

At our final team meeting two nights ago, Derek handed out our mission devotional/journals. On the back is printed Micah 6:8. Derek said this is our verse for the week. Yeah. Yeah I'm listening God.

Then at our weekly trip to Goodwill (we are building our homeschool library for pennies!) I found an amazing little book about the people who helped line it all up I'm the beginning. The story that eventually has my church building an orphanage in Haiti and me traveling there for the 3rd time. Seriously??!! For 50¢ God had something to tell me in the Goodwill.

Yup. Every single teeny tiny detail.

Prayer.

Prayer. I pray. But not like God longs for me to.......not like my heart screams I need to. But I pray. I pray in the really tough moments, usually something sweet and to the point about giving it to God and that I trust Him and to ask him for guidance. I pray when I see a friend in need or with a prayer request on FB. It's usually a short silent to myself prayer, but I pray. If I tell someone that I prayed for them, I really did. I pray but being extremely open and honest........I'm more of a short order cook kind of praying girl. Not a long deep meaningful heartfelt conversation with God kind of faithful praying person. You following me? And I'm so convicted about it. It kicks my tail daily that I am short changing this prayer life that God calls me to have with Him, these deep heart to hearts that I NEED to have with Him. And I've been struggling with it awhile. I'm never the one to pray out loud in a group or to close a meeting in prayer. And you'd think for an extrovert like me that I would be happy to do so.......nope. Nerves take over, feelings of inadequacy and shame take over. It's horrible. Then I feel guilt for not doing what my heart tells me to do and for not investing so much more into my prayer life............and God knows and sees. Yes. Yes He does. Because the week we are in Haiti, we will be having VBS with the children. The lesson plans are already being out together and written out for us as our guide for the week. Can you guess what we will be talking about and sharing with these precious children???? Uh huh. We are going to be talking about PRAYER! Yes. That's right. God is taking me all the way to Haiti to smack me in the face and break my heart in the middle of my beloved place to get my attention on PRAYER! I am now praying for an awakening. For my heart to be open and ready and willing to SEE and HEAR and DO all that's about to come about with regards to PRAYER!!!!
I know that I am learning. I know that I am falling on my face daily. I know that God is still doing a work on me daily and I praise Him for His grace when I am so undeserving. But He is already showing me that He has big things planned for this journey........bigger t than I could plan for myself. How amazing to see Him in all the details and to really see Him (in my opinion) calling me out on my weak prayer life!!!

Who really reads this anyway?

I haven't blogged in quite sometime. Mainly because......who really even reads it? I mean I may copy the link to my Facebook page and a handful will take the time.....but really why am I blogging? What is the purpose? Is it having any impact? Does it make a difference? Is it thought provoking? Seriously. If I am to ask people to take the time to read it........then shouldn't it be profound? Ahhhhh. The pressure I inflict on myself daily. So I allow my worries and debating to debilitate me into submission of non-blogging.

So here I am. Ready for my 3rd trip back to my second home......and yes it feels like home. Isn't "home is where the heart is" an old school but real statement? Well. Haiti has a chunk of my heart and my kiddos there have a chunk of it too!!! I sure do love my Haitian angels. I cannot wait to be back with them........singing and playing and hugging and laughing and hugging and celebrating Jesus together. Such an amazing expression of Gods unequivocal love for us.......because those children are not hiding their love or their desperate need for it. I mean they have the love of our Father but they yearn for the love of a family of a mother or father or just to be important to someone, anyone. And oh my oh my are some of them especially important to me!! I have a running list in my head of who I have to locate and love on and kiss on when I arrive there in just 25 days!!!! First.......my Sophia. That girl has my heart in a way that makes me believe that she was meant to be my daughter......and I'm to love and pray for her and do all I can for her as her maman (mother). And Eidson. Oh my sweet no pants wearing hip hugging big cheese grinning Eidson. He was the first one to catch my eye almost 2 years ago. He was half naked, fighting off scabies, not a happy little man, throwing fits and peeing on you if you allowed him into your lap........yup, this was the first one to capture my heart. We meshed well, maybe something to do with the attitude. Maybe. Flash forward a year and wow what a difference 11 months makes. He was grinning and happy, he still pee'd on me but I was glad. It's almost like marking his territory and he was claiming me yet again. And then Midarly. Ah. She was none too happy our first week together. Quiet, shy, sad, quiet very quiet.......but she climbed on for dear life and didn't want to let go. Then last year------what a beautiful change!!! She was happy and laughing and dancing and spunky, still quiet but my little petunia had bloomed!!! And Sania. Sania. Sania. I cannot wait to hear her yelling PamEEEla! That girl has personality that the Kardashians couldn't compete with, she is a firecracker that pops and booms regularly------and there's guaranteed joy when she does. She warms my heart in her own special way! And then I can't forget my boyfriend Wiligens, always happy to shyly steal a kiss on the cheek but always being the quiet one.........just pleased to be near by and always happy to hold hands. And Vesne and Saint Fey and Beatrice and Merlin and so so many others!

And even though they don't know I'm coming.......I know I won't be disappointed when I get there. It'll be like a walking surprise party when I get off the bus.......they are delighted to have our groups come in and spend time with them and love on them but something magical happens when there are repeat visitors.......they know the love must brew real, like really real because you came back. You found them worthy of another week of your time......you cared enough to make the trip and get back to them, even if for a short time. They know and they understand and it matters to them.......because they SEE AND FEEL that they matter to us!!!

So I'm going back. 3 rd trip. Completely paid for (yet again) with the generosity of others and from my donations from family sessions. I have been blessed more than my share by making 2 trips and now preparing for the 3rd. I am so so grateful that God has a way to use me in Haiti and that I get to open my heart for these sweet precious kiddies. I don't feel worthy of such an amazing experience.......the most amazing journey He has had me on for sure.

So I'm going. My mom is going back to. Praying I will blog more and share more. I just never feel I have the right words to say what is all a jumbled emotional mess in my heart when I think to Haiti. But I really should share because sharing is caring and Haiti is way to amazing to keep to myself.

<3