Friday, April 30, 2010
Okay......so now more tears.
I think I don't want anyone to see me cry about this all just yet. Maybe because it makes me feel weak? Maybe because I'm not sure who would try to talk me out of it and who would just pump me back up. It's scary to me. I leave on a Friday and come back the following Saturday night. I've done the math now and it is 198 hours that I will go without seeing my family's faces. 198 hours of being without my hubby. 198 hours to go without having my little girl getting on my last nerve. 198 hours with no one needing me to make chocolate milk or fix dinner or love on a bump or bruise. 198 hours with no kisses and hugs and no bedtime stories. 198 hours of being away from my home and my "comfort zone". 198 hours is a long time........but then I find comfort.
Because God is reminding me that it will be 198 hours of life changing circumstances and encounters and mind blowing moments. 198 hours of seeing precious little faces of God's children, 198 hours of 100 or so orphans to love on!!! 198 hours of babies with no mommy to love on their bumps and bruises----and I will!!! 198 hours of endless hugs and kisses and endless playtime and stories! 198 hours of learning what a comfort zone is and how to better appreciate all that I have. 198 hours is a long time......and I fear it won't be long enough.
If you are confused, then welcome to my world. For every down, God shows me an up. For every worry, God gives me a glory. It's an emotional rollercoaster ride already and I haven't even started to pack. Tony says I'm a cry baby these days. I agree. I just find that I'm so consumed with emotion that I am usually left to just cry......so now here are more tears. But right now I hear Chris Tomlin's "Take My Life" playing in my head.
I posted the video in case you've never heard it or want to hear it again......
Because God is reminding me that it will be 198 hours of life changing circumstances and encounters and mind blowing moments. 198 hours of seeing precious little faces of God's children, 198 hours of 100 or so orphans to love on!!! 198 hours of babies with no mommy to love on their bumps and bruises----and I will!!! 198 hours of endless hugs and kisses and endless playtime and stories! 198 hours of learning what a comfort zone is and how to better appreciate all that I have. 198 hours is a long time......and I fear it won't be long enough.
If you are confused, then welcome to my world. For every down, God shows me an up. For every worry, God gives me a glory. It's an emotional rollercoaster ride already and I haven't even started to pack. Tony says I'm a cry baby these days. I agree. I just find that I'm so consumed with emotion that I am usually left to just cry......so now here are more tears. But right now I hear Chris Tomlin's "Take My Life" playing in my head.
I posted the video in case you've never heard it or want to hear it again......
And to think I was EVER nervous???
Okay. So just yesterday morning I was nervous. I was a tad apprehensive. Never stressed or worried, just aware that there is more money to be raised and I have 5-6 weeks to do it. Money is tight for us as a family. Tony is self employed and the only one bringing home any bacon. Now, we pay our bills and we get by but we knew that me going to Haiti wouldn't be money we could just "earn". I knew I was going to have to get creative and come up with some serious money to ease the burden of taking it from "family funds". So began the "how" of the journey to Haiti. I already know WHY I desire to go, I can't wait to see WHY God wants me to go, but HOW I was going was a whole seperate issue.
As I said in my earlier post, I was blessed to have my Uncle Lenny jumpstart my mission trip funding. He apparently saw something in my heart that moved him to jump in. I felt blessed that I had a great start to my little mission. But after that meeting Wed night, I got on my FaceBook and posted that I still need to raise more money. The responses I got floored me! I have a friend who is willing to cut me in on a percentage of his live entertainment ticket sales. A friend who is willing to do haircuts at a great price and give me all the money. And a friend who budgeted her money and is offering me a large chunk of money. I am floored. I tend to get embarrased by birthday gifts, etc. So to have these lovely friends offer up to me what they have is very humbling. I'm thinking that may be part of God's plan in this. I mean I did ask for help.....God found some warm hearts He knew would help, so why am I questioning their WHY?? I believe God told me to go to Haiti, so I should equally believe God told them to help me get there----right?
So now, my trip is completely covered!! The only part I still have to cover is the imuunizations and clothes to take. I've been in awe the last 24 hours of God's goodness!! He's good ALL OF THE TIME. And never ceases to amaze me!
To all those who have had a hand in getting me to Haiti, THANK YOU!!! For all the one's who will be stepping in and helping out with the rest, THANK YOU!!! To the ones who are going to love on my babies and hubby while I am gone, THANK YOU!!!
GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!! For YOUR faithfulness! Your faithfulness in the Lord and your faith in me and my mission.
As I said in my earlier post, I was blessed to have my Uncle Lenny jumpstart my mission trip funding. He apparently saw something in my heart that moved him to jump in. I felt blessed that I had a great start to my little mission. But after that meeting Wed night, I got on my FaceBook and posted that I still need to raise more money. The responses I got floored me! I have a friend who is willing to cut me in on a percentage of his live entertainment ticket sales. A friend who is willing to do haircuts at a great price and give me all the money. And a friend who budgeted her money and is offering me a large chunk of money. I am floored. I tend to get embarrased by birthday gifts, etc. So to have these lovely friends offer up to me what they have is very humbling. I'm thinking that may be part of God's plan in this. I mean I did ask for help.....God found some warm hearts He knew would help, so why am I questioning their WHY?? I believe God told me to go to Haiti, so I should equally believe God told them to help me get there----right?
So now, my trip is completely covered!! The only part I still have to cover is the imuunizations and clothes to take. I've been in awe the last 24 hours of God's goodness!! He's good ALL OF THE TIME. And never ceases to amaze me!
To all those who have had a hand in getting me to Haiti, THANK YOU!!! For all the one's who will be stepping in and helping out with the rest, THANK YOU!!! To the ones who are going to love on my babies and hubby while I am gone, THANK YOU!!!
GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!! For YOUR faithfulness! Your faithfulness in the Lord and your faith in me and my mission.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
So here I am.......
I fear that this first post may be long, drawn out, over informative, OR really boring, pointless, abstract. Either way, I have so much to say......
To see the HOW I got to WHERE I am, you'll have to read the "about me" part.
How I got here is important but the WHY I am here is even bigger......and that is one I am still learning about.
Today, this is WHERE I am.......
I attended my first planning meeting last night for my Haiti mission trip. Going in I was under the assumption that the cost was "x" amount of dollars. At the meeting, we learned our cost had gone up by a couple hundred. This did make me nervous at first but I know that God will take care of it. He has after all gotten me to this point, why start getting nervous now? He layed it on my dear friend Erica's heart to volunteer to play mommy while I am gone. He layed it on my dear Uncle Lenny's heart to jump start my fundraising efforts in a HUGE way. He layed it on my husband's heart to even consider allowing me to go-----although I think after 5 years my hubby knows that once my mind is set, there's no real hope of changing it. HE got me here.....I didn't dare think He would forsake me now, did I? As we took turns asking questions and learning the basic details of our trip, my nervousness did creep in slowly. Nervous about the extra money to raise, nervous about the tiny plane we have to ride on.......I ignored it and pushed it back and prayed it would go away. After the meeting, I loaded my little man into the car and we headed to the park to watch the hubby play softball. As I drove down the road I passed a church sign that simply said "Trust in God is the cure for all fear". Okay, now there are times where I specifically ask God to give me a sign, send me a memo, something. This time I think God gave me a real sign to get over the fear! I mean it was right there in my face! TRUST IN GOD!! And I shall. Because there is one thing I am learning quickly in this whole journey of me going to Haiti......I cannot do it alone! I HAVE to HAVE GOD!!
I have cried, I will admit it. I think only 1 or 2 have actually been witness to this and it was on the phone, so no one has really seen the tears. The real breakdowns over the fear of it all. The fear of leaving my husband and my children for 9 days. The fear of not being here to be mommy for my babies. The fear of the unknown. The fear of how heartbreaking this is going to be to witness such poverty. The fear of how I will feel to leave all those sweet babies behind when I leave to come home. The fear of how it will forever change me. The fear of who I will be at the end. And then there is my excitement of all that GOD is going to do....excitement of the unknown! Excitement to be blessed to witness the poverty that really exists that I've only ever seen through media! Excited to come home and share all about the babies I was blessed to love on!! Excitement of how I'm going to forever be changed! Excitement of who God may change me into from this!
I'm sure you're asking "How can you be excited about witnessing the poverty of it all?" Because by witnessing it, I can share it! God will open doors for me to share my experience and my love for HIM! I'm not going with expectations because God already has His plans for me. But I don't expect to stay the same, that I am sure of already. Because God wants us to grow and change. And I'm positive that is unavoidable. I'm eager to see what comes of this journey.......
So now I have to still raise a few hundred dollars, gather my supplies for that week, pack a suitcase full of items to leave with the orphans.......and get some shots.
Please be in prayer for the orphans who have yet to come to the orphanage. It's wonderful to think that God has already picked them all by hand and has great things planned for thier lives............for they will forever be changed as well!!
To see the HOW I got to WHERE I am, you'll have to read the "about me" part.
How I got here is important but the WHY I am here is even bigger......and that is one I am still learning about.
Today, this is WHERE I am.......
I attended my first planning meeting last night for my Haiti mission trip. Going in I was under the assumption that the cost was "x" amount of dollars. At the meeting, we learned our cost had gone up by a couple hundred. This did make me nervous at first but I know that God will take care of it. He has after all gotten me to this point, why start getting nervous now? He layed it on my dear friend Erica's heart to volunteer to play mommy while I am gone. He layed it on my dear Uncle Lenny's heart to jump start my fundraising efforts in a HUGE way. He layed it on my husband's heart to even consider allowing me to go-----although I think after 5 years my hubby knows that once my mind is set, there's no real hope of changing it. HE got me here.....I didn't dare think He would forsake me now, did I? As we took turns asking questions and learning the basic details of our trip, my nervousness did creep in slowly. Nervous about the extra money to raise, nervous about the tiny plane we have to ride on.......I ignored it and pushed it back and prayed it would go away. After the meeting, I loaded my little man into the car and we headed to the park to watch the hubby play softball. As I drove down the road I passed a church sign that simply said "Trust in God is the cure for all fear". Okay, now there are times where I specifically ask God to give me a sign, send me a memo, something. This time I think God gave me a real sign to get over the fear! I mean it was right there in my face! TRUST IN GOD!! And I shall. Because there is one thing I am learning quickly in this whole journey of me going to Haiti......I cannot do it alone! I HAVE to HAVE GOD!!
I have cried, I will admit it. I think only 1 or 2 have actually been witness to this and it was on the phone, so no one has really seen the tears. The real breakdowns over the fear of it all. The fear of leaving my husband and my children for 9 days. The fear of not being here to be mommy for my babies. The fear of the unknown. The fear of how heartbreaking this is going to be to witness such poverty. The fear of how I will feel to leave all those sweet babies behind when I leave to come home. The fear of how it will forever change me. The fear of who I will be at the end. And then there is my excitement of all that GOD is going to do....excitement of the unknown! Excitement to be blessed to witness the poverty that really exists that I've only ever seen through media! Excited to come home and share all about the babies I was blessed to love on!! Excitement of how I'm going to forever be changed! Excitement of who God may change me into from this!
I'm sure you're asking "How can you be excited about witnessing the poverty of it all?" Because by witnessing it, I can share it! God will open doors for me to share my experience and my love for HIM! I'm not going with expectations because God already has His plans for me. But I don't expect to stay the same, that I am sure of already. Because God wants us to grow and change. And I'm positive that is unavoidable. I'm eager to see what comes of this journey.......
So now I have to still raise a few hundred dollars, gather my supplies for that week, pack a suitcase full of items to leave with the orphans.......and get some shots.
Please be in prayer for the orphans who have yet to come to the orphanage. It's wonderful to think that God has already picked them all by hand and has great things planned for thier lives............for they will forever be changed as well!!
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