Sorting it all out.......

Here I sit......9 days home. 9 days since I have seen those precious faces. 9 days since leaving an amazing and beautiful country that is oozing with God's love. 9 long days. 9 days and I am still sorting it all out.

It's hard.  So hard.  Hard to come home from seeing and hearing and feeling so much heartache and yet so much hope.  Hard to be with such precious children and then just leave them. Hard to hold those sweet faces, praying you will hold them again soon..............but never truly knowing what the future holds for either of us. Praying. Hoping. Sorting........and holding onto every ounce of sanity I can muster so that I am not bawling my eyes out in the middle of Target again.

So I came home.  I sat at the kitchen table with my precious husband.  I started telling him random stories. I bounced from one thought to the next, no real connection between anything I was saying. Bless him.  He sat attentively and hung on every word, every tear, every silent moment as I tried to regain my composure.......and even when I thought I had it, I knew I was still silently breaking inside.  Because this time, God broke me in a new way.  He broke me and He is going to put me back together like nothing I could imagine.  I know this because I have faith. Faith that He has a plan for what He has shown me. A plan for me to be different than my same. Different to change me.

And I have struggled. Mostly silently.  Sometimes I share with my sister how I almost broke down in Publix.  I share with my hubby random thoughts......I usually only go so deep until I get a "what are you talking about?" kind of look and then I bounce back to being funny or witty.  Because I get it.  If you haven't seen it or experienced it you really can't "get it" sometimes.  I mean you can be heartbroken and be sad.....but some things I believe you truly have to experience to really "get it". 

So here I sit. 9 days later. Still struggling to sort it out. And I really need to sort through my 1600 pictures.  There are so many waiting to see the faces of the children they love.......but whenever I open the file, I sob. I sob hard.  I cry because I love them.  I cry because I miss them.  I cry because they have taught me so much and I am forever grateful for all the ways they have inadvertently enriched my life.  I cry because I long to be a different kind of better me, because of them.

So the sorting of it all continues........and I can't help but wonder if I have really just been sorting it all out since I first saw Haiti almost 2 years ago?

sometimes a picture is worth 1,000 words......or to me 1,000 tears

I have this incredible story to tell.  I have wanted to share it on my blog......I have shared it with a few friends face to face.  But I just feel that a picture is worth a 1,000 words and I have been longing to get my hands on these photos and share them and the story........because it is worth a 1,000 tears to me.  I get completely choked up thinking about this moment and remembering my heart ready to explode from my chest and the love I felt and the belonging and the brokenness and this overwhelming sense of peace. 

So last summer on our final day of HBS (Haitian Bible School) we did a craft project with the kids where we did hand prints.  We rolled out sheets of art easel paper and had cups of tempera paint and we let the children put their hand prints on the paper and write their name with colorful sharpies.  It was such a fun and awesome time to watch them get messy in the art and to see all of their hands together.

Needless to say, it was a little chaotic........150 kids to hand print, one table, lots of paint, 100 degrees and trying to stay semi-orderly.  But they nailed it! They are SO awesome when it comes to following directions and taking instructions.  They are eager to be near you and involved and to see what fun is in store.  So we have the table all set up and we are going to town........

There are a couple older guys that are helping to keep the children organized and the flow moving and it's going great.  Then I felt a tug on my hand and when I looked over Saint Fey was painting my hand red.......

I instantly began to swell up inside my heart.......I asked Saint Fey "what are you doing?"  To which he replied "You are one of us." With that, he placed my hand print on the sheet of paper with the hands of so many precious children who I have taken into my heart as MINE and it was confirmed to me that they too had taken ME in as THEIRS.  

It was incredible, amazing and such a humbling moment.  Because while I had already taken them into my heart and my prayers and was broken for them........I never knew how much I wanted and needed to be a part of them.  And I already was, I am......and now I have my hand print amongst theirs as a reminder that we are all ONE with Christ and we will never be truly separated because we will all be together when it's all said and done. 

............in every single detail.

He's there. Always. In every single detail. And maybe I was feeling a little relaxed. Maybe I wasn't as guarded about this 3rd trip. Maybe I was too comfortable resting IN Him, that I was on auto-pilot. Maybe He just wanted to remind me that HE is still here and in control even when (especially when) I don't feel "out of control". Because the reality is that I have fully trusted Him this time with much more grace and ease than the previous trips. So maybe He just felt the need to snap His fingers at me. And boy did He.........
The first sigh moment was that ordered this shirt to support an adoption.......



It has Micah 6:8 on the back:

But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do,
what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
be compassionate and loyal in your love, And don't take yourself too seriously—take God seriously.

At our final team meeting two nights ago, Derek handed out our mission devotional/journals. On the back is printed Micah 6:8. Derek said this is our verse for the week. Yeah. Yeah I'm listening God.

Then at our weekly trip to Goodwill (we are building our homeschool library for pennies!) I found an amazing little book about the people who helped line it all up I'm the beginning. The story that eventually has my church building an orphanage in Haiti and me traveling there for the 3rd time. Seriously??!! For 50¢ God had something to tell me in the Goodwill.

Yup. Every single teeny tiny detail.

Prayer.

Prayer. I pray. But not like God longs for me to.......not like my heart screams I need to. But I pray. I pray in the really tough moments, usually something sweet and to the point about giving it to God and that I trust Him and to ask him for guidance. I pray when I see a friend in need or with a prayer request on FB. It's usually a short silent to myself prayer, but I pray. If I tell someone that I prayed for them, I really did. I pray but being extremely open and honest........I'm more of a short order cook kind of praying girl. Not a long deep meaningful heartfelt conversation with God kind of faithful praying person. You following me? And I'm so convicted about it. It kicks my tail daily that I am short changing this prayer life that God calls me to have with Him, these deep heart to hearts that I NEED to have with Him. And I've been struggling with it awhile. I'm never the one to pray out loud in a group or to close a meeting in prayer. And you'd think for an extrovert like me that I would be happy to do so.......nope. Nerves take over, feelings of inadequacy and shame take over. It's horrible. Then I feel guilt for not doing what my heart tells me to do and for not investing so much more into my prayer life............and God knows and sees. Yes. Yes He does. Because the week we are in Haiti, we will be having VBS with the children. The lesson plans are already being out together and written out for us as our guide for the week. Can you guess what we will be talking about and sharing with these precious children???? Uh huh. We are going to be talking about PRAYER! Yes. That's right. God is taking me all the way to Haiti to smack me in the face and break my heart in the middle of my beloved place to get my attention on PRAYER! I am now praying for an awakening. For my heart to be open and ready and willing to SEE and HEAR and DO all that's about to come about with regards to PRAYER!!!!
I know that I am learning. I know that I am falling on my face daily. I know that God is still doing a work on me daily and I praise Him for His grace when I am so undeserving. But He is already showing me that He has big things planned for this journey........bigger t than I could plan for myself. How amazing to see Him in all the details and to really see Him (in my opinion) calling me out on my weak prayer life!!!

Who really reads this anyway?

I haven't blogged in quite sometime. Mainly because......who really even reads it? I mean I may copy the link to my Facebook page and a handful will take the time.....but really why am I blogging? What is the purpose? Is it having any impact? Does it make a difference? Is it thought provoking? Seriously. If I am to ask people to take the time to read it........then shouldn't it be profound? Ahhhhh. The pressure I inflict on myself daily. So I allow my worries and debating to debilitate me into submission of non-blogging.

So here I am. Ready for my 3rd trip back to my second home......and yes it feels like home. Isn't "home is where the heart is" an old school but real statement? Well. Haiti has a chunk of my heart and my kiddos there have a chunk of it too!!! I sure do love my Haitian angels. I cannot wait to be back with them........singing and playing and hugging and laughing and hugging and celebrating Jesus together. Such an amazing expression of Gods unequivocal love for us.......because those children are not hiding their love or their desperate need for it. I mean they have the love of our Father but they yearn for the love of a family of a mother or father or just to be important to someone, anyone. And oh my oh my are some of them especially important to me!! I have a running list in my head of who I have to locate and love on and kiss on when I arrive there in just 25 days!!!! First.......my Sophia. That girl has my heart in a way that makes me believe that she was meant to be my daughter......and I'm to love and pray for her and do all I can for her as her maman (mother). And Eidson. Oh my sweet no pants wearing hip hugging big cheese grinning Eidson. He was the first one to catch my eye almost 2 years ago. He was half naked, fighting off scabies, not a happy little man, throwing fits and peeing on you if you allowed him into your lap........yup, this was the first one to capture my heart. We meshed well, maybe something to do with the attitude. Maybe. Flash forward a year and wow what a difference 11 months makes. He was grinning and happy, he still pee'd on me but I was glad. It's almost like marking his territory and he was claiming me yet again. And then Midarly. Ah. She was none too happy our first week together. Quiet, shy, sad, quiet very quiet.......but she climbed on for dear life and didn't want to let go. Then last year------what a beautiful change!!! She was happy and laughing and dancing and spunky, still quiet but my little petunia had bloomed!!! And Sania. Sania. Sania. I cannot wait to hear her yelling PamEEEla! That girl has personality that the Kardashians couldn't compete with, she is a firecracker that pops and booms regularly------and there's guaranteed joy when she does. She warms my heart in her own special way! And then I can't forget my boyfriend Wiligens, always happy to shyly steal a kiss on the cheek but always being the quiet one.........just pleased to be near by and always happy to hold hands. And Vesne and Saint Fey and Beatrice and Merlin and so so many others!

And even though they don't know I'm coming.......I know I won't be disappointed when I get there. It'll be like a walking surprise party when I get off the bus.......they are delighted to have our groups come in and spend time with them and love on them but something magical happens when there are repeat visitors.......they know the love must brew real, like really real because you came back. You found them worthy of another week of your time......you cared enough to make the trip and get back to them, even if for a short time. They know and they understand and it matters to them.......because they SEE AND FEEL that they matter to us!!!

So I'm going back. 3 rd trip. Completely paid for (yet again) with the generosity of others and from my donations from family sessions. I have been blessed more than my share by making 2 trips and now preparing for the 3rd. I am so so grateful that God has a way to use me in Haiti and that I get to open my heart for these sweet precious kiddies. I don't feel worthy of such an amazing experience.......the most amazing journey He has had me on for sure.

So I'm going. My mom is going back to. Praying I will blog more and share more. I just never feel I have the right words to say what is all a jumbled emotional mess in my heart when I think to Haiti. But I really should share because sharing is caring and Haiti is way to amazing to keep to myself.

<3

......so much to tell.

There's so much to tell and share and well........life gets busy and before you know it, it's been weeks and I haven't told or shared anything. And there is SO much that I want to tell.......I just haven't made the time. Maybe because I'm scared it will come out wrong? Maybe because it is still so emotional to "go back" and "be there"........but I really must press on and just tell it like it is to me.
So I'm starting here with Sophia.
I wrote about Sophia before, my sweet sweet Sophia.
The precious teen who wrote me a letter last summer saying good-bye and called me her momma.
The one who has never left my heart since making her mark on it last summer.
This one........


Sophia.........ah, I love this girl! Over the 10 months that we were apart, we were able to exchange a few letters and I was able to send her pictures and a small gift bag of goodies. We kept in touch as best as it was possible to do so with no postal system, internet or phones. I really just wanted her to know that she is always on my heart and mind and in my prayers. And while I always think of her......I didn't know what to really expect in getting back to see her. I mean really......would she remember me? would she be as excited to see me as I would be to see her? I honestly went with no expectations, none. I didn't want to be disappointed and I surely didn't want to put any pressure on the moment. So when we arrived at the orphanage that Saturday......I was "playing it cool" on the outside but aching to run her down and squeeze her on the inside. And no sooner than I got off the bus--------GOD BLEW ME AWAY!!!

I was approached by kids that I didn't recognize, one's that KNEW my name! And they are all saying 'Pam-E-la".......over and over. And they are pulling at my arm and pointing towards the homes and saying "Sophia, Sophia" and I soon realized that they were making a connection between me and her! And they KNEW who I was! And they were insistent that I was going to the house to see Sophia. And as I started to cross the bridge over, I saw her......coming towards me with one shoe on and one shoe in her hand......and we met in the middle of this bridge!

And she hugged and squeezed me and I was tearing up and she would pull back and look at me and then hug me again.....it was wonderful!!! I don't think Paramount Pictures would've written a more beautiful moment for this! And other children are by us and they are pointing at me and then pointing to Sophia and saying "Manman" (means Mother) and pointing to their hearts........and I was crying now and saying "Yes, manman". And now they aren't only talking about me being Sophia's momma but I think they were talking about me being there momma. And I honestly was overwhelmed at how much I wanted to just load them all up in the bus and bring them home with me and be their momma. It was overwhelming and beautiful and was more of a moment than I could have even imagined myself.
The next 6 days with her were amazing and it was so hard to leave her again.......but I hope and pray that I will touch that sweet face again!! I've been gone for almost 2 months.....but we've already managed to swap letters (and I sent photos) and I can't wait to see what she has to say!

Sophia will never know how she has changed me..........but I pray she knows how much I love her!

the beginning is always a good place.......

But I am not sure where to begin......

I have visited my blog several times over the last 20 days. I have logged on, stared at the screen and typed nothing. I have cried and prayed and prayed and cried. I have come to realize that I have so much to say......that I don't know where to start. I don't want to overwhelm my posting with too much.......or short change it by not saying as much as my heart is screaming to let out. It becomes overwhelming and then I shut down and shut down the computer. But my heart has so much to get out........so this is where I will start, today!

First, let me say that I was so not ready (yet again) for all that God had laid out for this journey. Not just this trip down but the whole thing starting way back at the beginning. I fell in love with Haiti by catching a bit of the passion oozing from my sweet friend Kelly. She was so in love with the people of Haiti and had such an intense heart for them, that I knew this was a place I had to go see myself. I told her I would go with her on a trip..........but not long after that conversation I learned that our church was partnering with Global Orphan Project to build an orphan village in Haiti! How amazing is God's timing, right??!!! So I decided I would wait and go with a group from Long Hollow. 6 months after Long Hollow started the plans and set this undertaking in motion......an earthquake hit in Port-au-Prince and shook an already impoverished country to it's core. I remember the moment I saw it on the news that morning I was in tears, I felt this crazy intensity to go help.......my heart was literally breaking for the people of this country. And the sweet babies who had been orphaned because of it, as if there wasn't already enough beautiful angels in need of a place to call home. So I prayed and I prayed and I prayed....and in July 2010 (6 months after the earthquake) I was SO blessed to put my feet on Haiti soil and Haiti FOREVER in my heart!!!!

There is nothing that can ever compare to what I saw the first time I landed in Haiti and I could never imagine that I was about to be blessed by those gorgeous faces in ways I hadn't fathomed. But God showed up in huge leaps and bounds and rocked my socks OFF!!! He shook me to the core, turned my heart upside down and said PAMELA, YOU'LL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN. And I heard Him and He was so right! From the moment I left------I was instantly aching to be back! Those sweet children have my heart in a way I didn't know existed.

Blessed am I that my precious husband gave me his blessing to make a return trip 10 months after the first one. It takes so much for him to let me go.........he is self employed and I am a stay at home mom. He doesn't get or take vacation time and for him to have to get help from anyone but me for anything for the 8 days I would be gone...........well, some guys just don't like asking for help. But he said that he couldn't stand in the way of what me and God had going on. I love him!!!

So I went. And I don't know what I was expecting to become of this trip........but whatever it was, God blew it away time and time again!!! He pushed me in ways I didn't know I needed to be pushed, but sure glad He knew I needed it! He showed me things I could have never thought to ask to see. He fueled the flame in my heart for these amazing orphans and he left it blazing bigger than ever! I have so many stories to share......so many deep thoughts to "put into words" and photos galore. Every time I thought I "have it ready"......I realize that I am still processing it all. But I am going to get it out.....because God definitely didn't intend to give me this gift and then to hide it away. They are too sweet to be kept selfishly and not shared with other hearts!

So while I am processing........I pray and I have faith God will give me the right words at the right time. So until then............

Here is my single favorite photo from this trip.........probably my favorite photo I have EVER taken! EVER!!