GOING BACK!!!

Yeah!!! My darling dear hubby has given me his blessing------I am GOING BACK to Haiti!!! I cannot wait! I am overjoyed and SO excited to get back there and back to those precious babies, especially my sweet Sophia!

The BESTEST part (yes, I said bestest!) is that my mom is coming with me!!!! I cannot believe that she is finally saying YES but she is and she's COMING TOO!!!! This is going to be an incredible journey to share with her and I cannot wait to see ALL that God is going to show us and all the ways we are going to GROW together in our walk!

Now, there's so much to do!!! Money to raise for BOTH of us! Mom has to get all her shots, she has no passport----she has to get a copy of her birth certificate first. We leave in 15 weeks and 2 days!!! That is basically around the corner!! Ahhhhh!

And yes......I am excited. I know you can tell by the million (okay not that many, but I would if I had time!) exclamation points I have used!!!! So we leave the end of May and here we go..............

another orphan adopted into his forever home......

Tonight I was blessed to go to the airport to celebrate with many great friends. We all rejoiced together as our precious friends made their way from the plane into a new life with a new son. A precious God given son from Ethiopia. A miracle. A long hard journey----ending with rejoicing! Rejoicing in the Lord and his unending faithfulness. Praises!

While at the airport, I was in the company of several others in the process of adoption........one who already got her Ethiopian princess a couple months ago, one on the waiting list for a little boy and a couple who are waiting on siblings from Ethiopia. Also......a dear friend who welcomed home her Ethiopian prince a year ago.....AND a lady (whom I'd never met) with a Guatemalan princess. I MUST say it------total adoption ENVY! Yup, I am envious. Yup, I know I am not supposed to be jealous or covet......but I do and I KNOW I do?! I get it----we all have different seasons and this is simply "not my time"........I pray daily to "really get it" and to "really let go" that while God has set me on fire, it's simply just my time to love on my friends and to celebrate in their journey's along side them.

Again......I will say it. I pray daily about letting my husband lead our house, about following his lead, about letting him drive this train.........I am a strong willed person, so it's hard. And I know it's yet another way God is working to humble me. I am okay with that (most days). With my husband leading the way, I find that we are in different places, in different areas......that's okay because I know God grows us all at different rates, speeds and with different destinations. And that God has a plan for me and Tony----He did bring us right together at just the right time. BUT what I also believe is God wouldn't just break my heart and then abandon me in my willingness to go to the hard places. Or do I just "think" I am willing? Does God know differently? Does God see something in my heart that I am not aware exists?

So I pray: God please show me where You want me to be. God please guide me to what I need to be doing. God, I know you wouldn't break me and then leave me to suffer in the tears alone. I know you are with me.......but what is it all for? What is this fire you are burning in my heart?

So I love my friends who are following in God's word and adopting. I love that they are so faithful and fearless.......jumping straight into what God desires for us to do for the least of them. Amazing hearts, amazing strength, awe inspiring stories!! I love them all and I love God for placing them in my life and heart. I know God has a purpose in all of this.......just curious to see the "what's and why's"-------when He is ready to share with me. Because it is HIS story after all.

New Year's Resolutions......Goals

Resolutions?! Every year it seems resolutions get made and broken.........I am notorious for making a list of "goals" for the year and well, life just seems to creep in and take over. It's always the same. Plus is the cold bleak winter really the best time to make any resolution that doesn't involve eating junk food, sleeping in late and veggie out for movie marathons?? Cause if those were my new years resolutions......I would be able to hold to them tightly until at least March or April. :)

But this year......I did it again. I made a list of resolutions and goals for the new year upon us. Just wanted to share with others so maybe I have more accountability? Eh, who knows....I may end up on the "couldn't keep my resolutions train"......we'll see. So here's my current goals for the new year:

Read through the bible chronologically-----cover to cover!
Reading through a children's chronological bible with Maekayla!
Run in a half marathon in April!
Lose the 10 lbs I gained so far this cold season----PLUS another 30!
Get back to my crafting----I miss my creative outlet and the stress relief it is to me!
Be a better mommy and spend more quality time with my kiddies...be intentional!
Be a better wife and keep praying for God to keep teaching me to let my husband LEAD!!
Get back to Haiti at least once----praying for my hubby to GO with me??!!
Finally get my house unclutter and decorated and that includes hanging some pictures on the walls.

Yeah.....so these are just to start and we'll see what is success and where I fall short. But I know that with God anything is possible. He knows the desires of our hearts......I am praying that with God I can accomplish all these and anything else that falls on my heart!! We shall see!!!

Happy New Year to you all!!! Love!!!!

It's been 3 months........

SO, it's been 3 months since I have "blogged". I have started and stopped myself MaNy times! I just start off with thoughts......go off on a tangent and then feel like "well, it's just too much to say all at once." But I have learned something these last few months------THAT is who I am. I have a whole bunch to say, several ways to say it and frankly I must start saying it. I have decided that NOT all will love what I say......I have concluded that SOME will not finish reading it.......BUT I am satisfied knowing that one may read and agree with me and I am fine with that. :0) Praying it's actually more than one that feel the same as I-----But I have to start somewhere, right?!

So let's start with today's thought! Today at church, they showed my testimony video. It was AmAzInG!! Jason D did an incredible job with the entire thing! Totally creative and insightful and just WOW! So here's a link to it and then I will continue on about the whole experience of it all......

http://vimeo.com/16623626

So when I got the email requesting for me to come in and "testify".....I must admit I um, tossed a tad bit of cookies. I was totally freaking out!! I mean really? You want me to tell my story of my journey to Haiti?! The time in my life when I really SAW God in ways I had NeVeR seen HIM before!!! Am I gonna cry? (yes) Will I stutter? (probably) Will I say a bunch of junk nobody care to hear about? (likely) BUT will I, can I bring glory to His name? Can I testify and show people how Haiti has changed me forever? Can I put into words the incredible difference He made in all of this? How about how the "past Pamela" would NEVER have done this and now that me and God have this intense relationship----I wanna go to the hard places for HIM!! Can I do that? Can I verbalize all of it? I decided He was giving me an opportunity to do so..........maybe someone is teetering on wether to go to Haiti or not----and my video say to them "GO"?! Maybe ONE person will see God working.....and then it's worth it, just one--right?!

So I did it! I cried almost the whole time they filmed and honestly don't remember all that I said. Then I waited. I waited to see it during service, to see it while sitting with my family, to see it in it's "element". I waited ever so patiently (most days) for what seemed like forever. Then Jason D sent me a copy of it to see a few days early........and so I put the kiddo's down for naps and I put it on. I watched it 8 times in a row! I cried harder and harder every time! I had a total "come to Jesus" moment right in front of my laptop. I was witnessing to myself in a crazy way!! I was watching the change that God promises to those who call on His name.........It was like looking into a mirror and seeing the love of Christ staring right back at me. I am a changed woman! And I SAW it for myself!!

Today, our pastor spoke about giving testimony to people........about how we have a before and after story. And WOW do I have a before story that would knock your socks off! I could go on and on about my before----and trust me, I love to tell it because the AFTER makes it SO precious!!! But today I was blessed to see my AFTER. It was right there on a big screen.....and while holding hands with my husband and my mother-----I was a witness to the change that can ONLY come with a relationship with GOD and it was MY relationship with HIM that I was seeing. And I loved it!!! I LOVE HIM!!!

Thank you dear Lord Jesus for saving me and washing me clean of sin!!! I was headed straight for hell a few years ago......But now my road is narrowing and my love for you is growing and our relationship is deepening and I am COMPELLED BY THE LOVE OF CHRIST!! AMEN!!

Will the tears ever stop......???

I pray the tears NEVER dry out....I pray I never reach a point where I am "all cried out". Until the plight of the orphans in Haiti and all over the world is conquered.....the tears can't dry. A tear will always fall for the one who went to bed hungry last night, the one who sleeps alone in a scary dark place tonight alone, the one who yearns for a hug, the baby who will die tomorrow morning from a preventable/curable disease, the child who was never shown the love of Christ......a tear for the little girl who was sold into sex slavery, the little boy who had to become a man at 10 because his parents both died of AIDS leaving him to care for his 4 younger siblings......a tear for the child scouring the dump for some form of sustenance to get by one more day, the child who is choking down a mud pie to kill the hunger pains, the child who will die alone and in pain and no one will notice, know or care.........I will ALWAYS be in tears for these children.


I realize that I cry at the most inopportune times these days. I thought I had a heart for the orphans and for the nations before. But I thank God every day and night for showing me that I couldn't even imagine or fathom what having a heart for the nations looked and felt like......THANK YOU JESUS FOR FINDING ME WORTHY OF SUCH HEARTBREAK AND PASSION! I would've never been able to comprehend (what I STILL don't comprehend) if He hadn't sent me there to see, smell, touch and hear what the suffering IS. It is real....it is SO real.


"I wanna be your hands and feet. I wanna see the world through your eyes. Ready yourselves. Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night. May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise. Lifting up your name for ALL to hear the sound. We'll sing until the WHOLE WORLD HEARS!!"


I've been reading "RaDicAL" by David Platt. Whew!! Let me just say......it's very intense! It just solidifies my submission to the "never stop crying" part of my journey. I don't want to EVER become desensitized to the suffering in the world. I don't want to EVER forget or be absent from the REAL FACT that there are people EVERYWHERE suffering! I know some think that sounds depressing.....I find it highly motivating! Motivating to BE the CHANGE! To be the DIFFERENCE! To use EVERY single resource, talent and gift that God blessed me with to the fullest extent of my ability to get out there and do SOMETHING!!! I may not be able to do everything BUT I can do something! I can do a whole bunch of somethings! And whenever I think I can't do anything or I'm too tired or just can't give anymore of myself.......I will look at these faces.......faces I touched......necks I hugged......hearts that touched mine......and I will keep on trucking!! Because THEY need us too!!! For the GLORY of GOD, they need me to keep going! They need me to keep talking and sharing and doing and collecting and telling and showing and being.....ALL ABOUT GOD FOR THEM!

My Sophia......

My Sophia, my Sophia. What a beautiful young lady of God, my Sophia. Many people wondered (and some asked) what kind of difference can you really make in just a week? Better yet, what difference can you make in these kids lives in just a few hours a day for a week? What kind of difference can be made in less than a 40 hour work week? Can a difference be made in less than 40 hours? Especially when you don't speak the same language? How about when you honestly know nothing about each other, except that you share a love for God? If you want to know what kind of difference can be made in less than 40 hours, over a 6 day week, with minimal words exchanged.......just ask Sophia.

Meet Sophia. The sweetest smile, the prettiest eyes. A young woman who is 15 and doesn't remember when/how she came to be an orphan. Sophia is blessed to have her brother with her at the orphanage, so she is not completely "alone". Sophia grabbed hold of me the very first day at Jeremie. And I do literally mean "grabbed hold". The children were told to go find a buddy to hang out with......and Sophia chose me. She held onto my waist so tightly that I stumbled a few times as we walked over to the church. We exchanged names and smiles, and oober amounts of love. Sophia was all smiles the first day.......but not so much on Sunday or Monday. On Monday after several attempts at getting her to smile, I grabbed one of the interpreters. And we had a short conversation........I asked her to smile. She just looked down and said "No." The interpreter asked if she didn't like me......she responded that she did very much. I told her "I love you. When I go home, I am going to hang your picture in my house. You will be forever a part of my family and we will pray for you everyday." To this......Sophia smiled and cried. And you know I was crying too. Sophia smiled.......a beautiful smile!!

The next 2 days, Sophia and me danced and played and blew bubbles and sang songs and we laughed. Still not exactly sure what we laughed at......we couldn't really talk. We just literally enjoyed each others company, enjoyed doing crafts together and shared a real agape love. It was wonderful and powerful to experience. I was so sad on Thursday, knowing that would be our last visit together. When we arrived at the orphanage, many of the children were sad and you could feel it in the air. That this was our last day on this trip.......and they knew it as much as we did. Sophia was very clingy on the last day. She didn't smile much but she loved catching my eyes in a gaze and looking deep inside. It was almost as if she was trying to peek inside and see who I am. Because really.......what did Sophia know about me?

Well, Sophia knows that I have a husband and two children. She had seen a picture of them and of my mom and sister. She knew that I loved to sing and dance. She knew that I loved to laugh and play. She knew that I am NOT good at jumping rope and that I sweat much. (She was always wiping my sweat off my brow.) And Sophia knew that I loved God enough to leave my home and come spend time with her. And that was ALL Sophia needed to know......to love me as much as she does.

If anyone ever doubts the ability to move hearts in less than 40 hours over 6 days......I'd say talk to Sophia. Ask her if my time was well served. Ask Sophia if that 40 hours made a difference in her heart and mind. And since you can't really ask Sophia........I'll let Sophia's letter do the talking for her. This letter was given to me just before I left the orphanage on the last day. Sophia had sat down with one of the translators and had him write it for me. It speaks volumes on what kind of difference IS made when we OBEY God's will.......nothing is little when God is in it.

""I'm so glad because you were spent a week with me. So, now you're ready to go back in United States, then...I'm very sorry because you will leave me alone. I'm thinking with you so much. Don't forget me and our relationship in Haiti. So, every times I need to be graceful of you, for what you have done for me. you gave to me sandal, clothes, thank you for this. I'm telling you truly, tear drops will never dry in my eyes cause of you. I love you as you love me. Then I love you more, because you're my mother forever. May God be with you and protect you in your trip, because it is still dangerous. Be careful my love! I'm sending a special greeting to your family. And tell them you have a friend in Haiti who never give you up. She's Sophia. I hope you'll be back very soon. I hopefully really on you Pam. Because I love you and I see you love me too.""

Sophia, thank you for all that you allowed God to show through you. Not just to me, but to so many others who will read your sweet words! Pamela remen ou Sophia!

A month since my last post.....so much to share!

Wow! I don't even know where/how to begin! Since my last post, my life has been turned upside down and inside out. And can I say "Wow!! It feels good!". I love it! I love what God is doing! I love what God has planned for me! I love this crazy journey God called me to go on and the adventure it still IS!

I have been back from Haiti for 17 days. And it feels like an eternity. It has dragged on and on, because I am ready to go back. I was ready to go back the minute I boarded the plane in Port Au Prince headed back to Florida. I was already praying and begging God to show me another path back to Haiti! Back to the sweet souls that stole my heart forever! Back to the place that shows so much promise of LIGHT in the midst of so much seen DARKNESS. Haiti is a beautiful country, with beautiful people that have beautiful hearts......and beautiful CHILDREN OF GOD!!! I thought I was slightly passionate about Haiti before going......I thought I loved orphans and expressed a love for them before going......I thought I would enjoy my mission trip and that it would be a great experience. APPARENTLY, I didn't give God enough credit for what He was about to do. I knew I'd be forever changed.....but WHOA!!! Total change overload for this momma!!!

"Sometimes God demands radical measures when He wants to bring about radical results. I may look silly, but I'm a walking miracle experiencing the power of God."----Beth Moore

Meet Edison. The first orphan to steal my heart in Jeremie......

When we arrived at the orphanage, the children were all gathered on the porch of one of the duplexes singing. They sang beautiful songs in Haitian Creole, they prayed over us in Creole, then they recited ALL of Psalm 91 in Haitian Creole--together, out loud. It was powerful! The whole time this was going on....I couldn't take my eyes off of this precious little man. He wasn't wearing any pants, his head had scabs from where he had scratched himself raw (scabies outbreak) and his little face was dirty......melted my heart!! In that moment I experienced real AGAPE love!! I didn't care if he got me dirty, I didn't care if he gave me scabies, I didn't care if he pee'd on me.....I only cared about scooping him up and loving on him the same way I love on my children. Because HE is God's son! He is God's chosen child! He deserves nothing less than the BEST I have to give to him in the time I am there to be with him......because GOD gave us HIS BEST!! He gave us His ONLY SON! So who was I to deny this precious soul my love and attention because of some bugs, dirt and urine. I couldn't and wouldn't and he was worth it all!!!!

And Edison.....needed to be loved on. There was such a "need" in his eyes for that touch of love. A need to be held and paid attention to.......to know that he could be loved. Edison didn't seem to favor anyone of us more than another that I could see. I did see that wherever there was an empty set of arms available to hold him.......there he was too! Many times I looked down feeling a tug on my skirt.....and this was the face I would see.

Sweet Sweet Edison. Needing to be held and loved and cared about. Sweet Edison doesn't know it but he touched many hearts while we were there visiting. He definitely touched mine. I pray for this precious baby every day....I pray that he will feel love every day, that he will he held and kissed every day.....and that one day God will find him a forever family to love him always. But I know that I will always love him myself.....because he showed me more than he'll ever understand. And for that.....I will always be grateful.

I love you sweet Edison. God bless you baby boy.