Heavy heart in the heat of the night......

So last night I woke up at 2am. I mean I was wide awake. I laid in the dark for awhile and thought I would drift back off to sleep. It was pitch black, no TV, no radio......just the calming hum from the ceiling fan. But, then I became fixated on the fan. The cool breeze it was blowing down onto us was so refreshing, especially since it was 93 degrees yesterday. I was so thankful to have that fan......which led to being so thankful to having the electricity for it to run on.......and then my mind spun out of control. Because then I started going through the whole list of things I should be thankful for that allow me to enjoy that ceiling fan on a hot summer night. Tony providing income so we can pay for the rent on this house that has a ceiling fan that requires a bill to be paid for the electricity to run it. Then laying there in the dark I found a room full of things I should be thankful for, everyday things that most of us are just "used" to having. I should be thankful that I have an incredibly comfortable mattress and pillow to rest my tired body on each night. I think that it becomes routine to just climb in the bed and get comfortable and go to sleep. Why wouldn't I every night climb in that bed and pray instantly for all God's people who are sleeping in ditches and under cars, in cars, under bridges, on streets, in the dirt......that may they have as restful a sleep as I? I say I don't pray for that because I am not as grateful for that bed as I should be.....it is just a normal part of my world. I've never NOT had a bed to sleep in or a pillow to put under my head. So from there.......mind and heart were in total overload.

I laid there thinking about a conversation I had with a young lady this last week. She herself is headed to Haiti in July. She will go just before me and be back just before I leave. We were discussing how incredible it will be and different details of the packing challenge. I told her leaving out my blow dryer, flat iron and makeup will free up much space that I am not used to having in my suitcase. So we began discussing the blow dryer issue. I told her I wasn't sure we'd even have access to use one but beyond that I didn't care to use one while I am gone. If I am to truly go and take away as much as I can from this.....I think I need to give up such small luxuries. No fresh running water, no blow dryer, no special perks.....all these things will just make me so much more appreciative of what I have at home. But then on Thursday that got flipped into something else.

On Thursday I needed to go to the grocery. I told Tony last week that we needed to buy LESS at the grocery and really eat all our food between visits to the store. No waste, no food spoiling, no throwing anything out. So I went to the store and spent about $25 less than normal and came home to put my items away. It never fails that there is ALWAYS a vegetable or pack of meat that has spoiled and needs to be trashed. Wasted food, wasted money......I am ashamed. As I cleaned a few items from the fridge, I threw out half a package of bacon, a few squash, a zucchini, and half a pound of lunch meat. I actually teared up thinking how many starving children this could've fed. Then I added up that it was probably about $10 wasted. If I waste $10 per week in groceries, that's $520 per year. WOW!!!! Now, when you look at half a package of lunch meat, it doesn't seem like much. To some starving child, it may keep them alive until their next meal. Plus, when you add up the money being wasted.......that's money that could be put to doing Kingdom Works for Him. Right? But I've heard people say "The people in starving countries don't know any different." This just makes me more angry at myself. Shouldn't I WANT them to know something different? Don't ALL God's children deserve a fair shot at a wholesome meal every single day? As a child of God, shouldn't I work to do better so I can do something more pleasing with that wasted money?


I was awake until almost 4:30, that was the last time I glanced at the clock. Ceiling fans, blow dryers, bacon.......all have new meanings now. God can show up anywhere you are (or are NOT) looking to find Him. <3

I give all myself.....to YOU!

This is my desire.....to give ALL myself to YOU! To follow you into the homes of the broken, to follow you into the world. To meet the needs of the poor and needy.

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'" Matthew 25:40

How could I NOT give it away so freely!!! How? Why not? Use my hands and feet to make YOUR kingdom come!!! Until your work is done, I will go to the corners of the earth. Faith WITHOUT works is dead. How could we not give it away so freely?



Haiti is just the beginning of something so much bigger.....right? It has to be. As much as I feel and as much as I cry. As much as I am on fire to serve these people without even knowing them. As much LOVE as I hold in my heart for them.....it's only the start. I want to give ALL MYSELF to HIM!!! Whatever that means! WHATEVER it means! I see these pics and it is incredibly overwhelming to know I will see it with my own eyes in 38 days. I cannot wait to see the babies and children that will have their lives forever changed by this orphanage. I cannot wait to meet them face to face.....to hug them, love on them, laugh with them. What an amazing gift that God will share a piece of them with me! I pray that I take this blessing to the fullest extent.....that it doesn't just become some summer mission trip I took. That it forever changes me, I pray it forever changes my heart......that it has the power to forever change hearts around me with a story God will give me to share. I sometimes wonder if I'm asking God for too much in this....and then I remember that God is bigger than anything we could EVER ask from Him. He IS who He says He IS!!!! And He can DO all that He says He can DO!!!! And I believe with all my heart.....this is merely the beginning of something bigger than I can imagine. I pray for it every single day and night. It's overwhelming and exciting and it's more than I ever imagined it would be.....and I haven't even packed yet. I sometimes wonder if my head will spin off or just explode instead. I know it sounds crazy talk to some......but I don't care!! It's honestly HOW I feel and it's honestly what God is doing in my heart that is CrAZy!!!! I LoVe It!!!



"Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves,
for the rights of all who are destitute.
Speak up and judge fairly;
defend the rights of the poor and needy."
Proverbs 31:8-9


Father we will lead them home. We will pick up the crippled man!!! There are TEARS from the saints for the LOST and UNsaved......we are crying for them to come back home! Your children will stretch out their hands!!!!

HE is my JOY!!! He has SET ME ON FIRE!

And He set me on fire
And I am burning alive
With His breath in my lungs
I am coming undone
And I cannot hold it in and remain composed
Love’s taken over me and so
I propose the letting myself go
I am letting myself go

You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy
You are my joy

I need to catch my breath, I need to
I need to catch my breath, give me a moment now

Emotional overload......is an understatement.

The World Health Organization reports that nearly half of the worlds population is at risk for malaria. Nearly 1,000,000 people die yearly from this disease. And every 30 seconds a child in Africa dies from malaria.......about 200,000 infants a year! So with this in mind, let me tell you where I was mentally today:

I have to take malaria pills for my upcoming trip. 1 pill a week for 7 weeks, 2 before I go, 1 while I'm gone, and the 4 weeks after I come home. So I called Walgreens to check to see if they had them on hand or if they had to order them. The girl informed me they have them in stock and to bring my prescription to be filled. I inquired about the cost of these pills.....thinking they were to be costly for something so out of the ordinary. The young lady on the phone says $32.39. I said "Per pill?" "No ma'am, total". As I hung up, I had to pull over the car and take a deep breath. I am going to spend less than $33 on pills that will keep me from getting this deadly disease. HOW is it that this many children DIE from a disease that can be prevented so cheaply? WHY can we NOT get them what they need to not die needlessly? HOW can we sit here and do nothing? HOW can we make a difference.....a REAL difference? KNOWING there is a problem is the start.....but where do we go from here? I WANT to know!!!

Beyond the malaria, it took me to a new place. I thought about how that $33 is equivalent to one lunch per week for the 7 weeks. And then that thought led me to another thought......how many times have I said "I'm starving", when it has been 5 or 6 hours since my last meal?? How many of these babies go 5-6 DAYS without a single meal? So "starving" doesn't really MEAN "starving" to me does it? Can I ever truly know the meaning of that word? Can you? I don't mean that to be ugly....I just really don't think most of us know what "starving" truly is. I mean how much food do you toss out when you clean out the fridge? For us it is more than we should! Should we really waste any food? Is it just that easy for us to just toss it out without a thought? For me it used to be.......but it is harder and harder. And now we make a conscious effort to eat all that we buy and to not buy more than we will eat. I mean the store is only 3 miles up the road. Can't I go every 4 or 5 days instead of every 7-10??? Can we be inconvenienced to not be wasteful? Then the money we save instead of throwing away food can be sent to help feed STARVING children? Just a thought. Just a plethora of thoughts......so much swirling in my head.

After that, I went on to think about how so many of us can complain of boredom? Really? Is it even possible to be bored with so much to do around us? Bored? There is always something to be done....get in the word? help someone in need? In Proverbs 6 it warns us against FOLLY. Folly is defined as "a foolish action, mistake or idea". Ouch.....that's all I will say, ouch. I'm doing some soul searching and making some changes.

Flip Flops for Haiti

Every year Old Navy has a big flip flop blow out sale!!! $1 Flip flops!!! So this year, we got up at 7am and went to brave the other mad shoppers trying to stock up on floppers. We weren't aware until our arrival that you can ONLY buy 5 pairs at a time. Well, with the line stretched around the store and a buggy with 30 pairs of flip flops, we got creative!!! I called my mom to come help me out AND she graciously abliged!! Our first trip around, Mae AND Logan both were able to buy 5 pairs each. Logan simply had to be able to hand over money in order to be considered a "customer". I loved it!! So we got 20 the first time around and then had to go back through again for 10 more. 2 hours and $30 later......we successfully purchased 30 pairs of floppers for sweet Haiti babies at the orphange I'm heading to in July!

Special thanks to Mom and Trish for contributing to the "flip flop fund" to get these bad boys bought!!! My suitcases are filling up fast!! Praise the Lord!

This Little Light of Mine.....

"Work for the Lord. The pay isn't much, but the retirement benefit is out of this world."----unknown


Matthew 6:3-4 says: "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

The notes at the bottom of my bible say: "It is easier to do what's right when we gain recognition and praise. To be sure our motives are not selfish, we should do our good deeds quietly or in secret, with no thought of reward. Ask yourself "Would I still do this if no one would ever know I did it?"

So this verse is in my heart on a daily basis. I read it and re-read it and ask others of their interpretations. And I think that after months and months of trying to come to grips with what this verse means, I know what it means to me. I get the whole don't boast about your good deeds. Obviously don't go around tooting your own gracious horn. However, I think that as believers and followers we are to share times when God motivates us to do certain things. I love when I have a story of God's provision and although my right hand was working, God is getting ALL the glory. This has happened on a few occasions that something wonderful happened and I have held back from sharing an awesome story. Simply because I didn't want anyone to think I wanted the "thunder". When in reality and in my heart, I just wanted to shout for joy at the Glory of God!

For example.....
Here in Nashville, we experienced a severe flood on May 2, 2010. It left massive amounts of damage, thousands of homes under water and lots of work to be done. I was so mesmerized by the outpouring from people willing to help others. Not just the church, but people from all walks of life. I was also moved by the people who themselves had been affected by the flood, that STILL went out to help those who had been affected worse. It was quite glorious to see God's hands and feet in full motion.
Being a stay at home mom, I am not able to do all the things I wish I could as far as church and volunteering go.......I have 2 under 5 and that's not always the most convenient. But I had a good friend who was arranging for laundry to be done for flood victims. All the clothing these dear people owned had been under dirty water for 3-4 days and it needed to be cleaned to be salvaged. So I figured doing laundry was something I for sure could do at home with the kids, I mean I do our laundry (most of the time). So I loaded up my 2, plus 1 extra I was watching for a friend and off we went to pick up some laundry. What happened next was all GOD!!
I got there thinking I would pick up some garbage bags and go home and wash the stuff. That's not what God was thinking. Ms. Becky hadn't even gathered the items yet. So my hubby came to help with his friend, 2 high schoolers from the church and me......we loaded up all of her and her husbands clothes. All of them to a tune of 11 black garbage bags. From here we decided that clearly this was more than we had thought so my new friend Michelle and I went to the local laundry mat to get them done faster. 2 of us to knock them out, this shouldn't take long......again, God had another plan. At the laundry mat the girls from Suntrust saw me and my hubby unloading all the bags from his truck. The window teller came over (we bank there) and was asking if we had been affected by flood waters. We told her "No, we are just doing these for someone else, we were blessed to be untouched." She then handed me $60 in quarters. They had collected a quick donation to help us out! As I'm standing in tears, in awe of God's provision, I am thinking there is NO WAY we need this much money. I had $20 in quarters, as did Michelle. Did we really need $100? After 40 loads, 15 dryers going at a time and 3 screaming kids......we used $95 to do Ms. Becky's laundry. I was floored!! FLOORED! God saw a need in our moment, we never even asked for help.....we didn't know we needed it!!! Jehovah Jireh, Lord God will provide!!! Amen!!

Now, how do you NOT tell someone that story? I know some would say I'm just bragging about doing 40 loads of laundry.....HA!!! Trust me, laundry is NOT my forte. I loathe doing laundry....which is why I believe with all my heart that was where God had me to serve. I should be more appreciative of the laundry I have to do and the capacity to do it. How can I keep that story and the lessons learned in it---all to myself? I don't think I am supposed to.

The Bible also says:
"But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them--yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me." 1Cor 10

True humility is recognizing that God's work in you. It is having God's perspective on who you are and acknowledging his grace in developing your abilities.

TRUST me.....ONLY God's grace allowed me and Michelle to accomplish what was done that day.

Mae loves the babies in Haiti.......

I had already began falling in love with Haiti several months before the quake (Thank you Kelly). Our small group at church began praying for them as a people group and it grew. Our church was in the works at the time with Global Orphan Project to build an orphanage in Haiti. It's part of the Crazy Love Campaign. When they began talking about the orphanage our church was going to build, I told Tony I had to go when it was built. Of course I'm sure Tony didn't really put much thought into this.......I mean "how" could I go? "How" could I leave them behind for a week, "how" could we afford so much money and "how" would the kids be taken care of while Tony works? But God already had a plan for all of those "how's". And he began showing me the "why". My desire and passion to go only grew more and more over the months. Then one morning in January I woke up to reports on the news of a tragic earthquake having ravaged Haiti. My heart was shattered. I watched in tears, feeling helpless as there was nothing I could do to help right now. As I watched over the next several days, Maekayla tuned in with me. Maekayla began to be very inquisitive about Haiti following the earthquake. She had lots of questions about what we were seeing. I explained best as I could as to how the earth had shook and it knocked down buildings and houses and how many people were without homes or shelter. We talked about how many babies had lost their mommy's and daddy's and how some mommy's had lost their babies. Mae was very upset about this. She began saving her money and whatever she could swindle out of others to save up in her "Haiti bucket". When asked what the money is for, she replies "It's for the babies in Haiti to buy food and cups and plates." She still prays at night "God please watch over the babies in Haiti and don't let them die." And she randomly inserts other things like finding them mommy's and daddy's and getting them some toys to play with so they'll be happy. She melts my heart.

I'm not sure if Mae really understands at 4 years old what she's seen in the pictures we've looked at or what it truly means that they have no mommy's. But I do know that Mae understands selflessness. She even put her $10 her Grandpa sent her for her birthday in her bucket. She informed me that she didn't need it to buy something. She stated that she has "many somethings and the babies in Haiti don't have any somethings." She's wise beyond her whole 4 years.

So here she is with her bucket, saving all her pennies and quarters. I am packing a suitcase with items to take to the children who will be in our orphanage. And Maekayla is going to take her money, go shopping and then help me pack those items away for me to deliver for her. While I am there, I can take pictures of how these items will bring smiles to these faces and she will SEE the difference she helped make. Tony and I pray this will help her to understand more what she has done to help these children.

God bless Mae!!! She's one special little girl. Of course, I'm not biased or anything!!

Read more about the Global Orphan Project and the Crazy Love Campaign here:
www.theglobalorphanproject.org
www.crazylovecampaign.com